The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

So you've had a baby. Good for you. Now is the opportunity for you to pass along all the lessons learned in your life, which is hopefully a culmination of all the lessons your ancestors learned as well. Of course, what if you're an idiot from a long, unbroken line of idiots? That's okay because they sell baby clothes just for you as well.

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

This onesie comes from Aryan Wear, which offers all your white power and skinhead needs including baby clothes. It retails for a fair price of $12 and comes in sizes NB to 24m. Honestly, it's not that bad except for the fact that you have to order it from a company like Aryan Wear.

Not that I'm coming out in favor of the white power movement or anything, but I'll say this. These guys know their audience and how to run a freakin' business. They have a handy FAQ that assures you that nothing on the package will be present to indicate your beliefs and maybe get your package thrown in the mail by an offended minority, and informs you of the legality of certain items in certain countries. Also, their customer feedback is just as positive as it can be. So...point Nazis?

There are a lot of antiabortion onesies out there, and I don't get it. I understand that you're passionate in your beliefs, but so are other people and if you think that the opposition gleefully murders babies, is it wise to antagonize them with a shirt on your child? Even among abortion onesies, this one goes a little far, what with making your baby look like it's covered in another child's blood.

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In case you didn't click on the link, the header of that page is "Due to the loss of our baby, orders placed recently, today, and in the near future will be delayed. I appreciate your patience. Please pray for us at this difficult time. -Rachelle"

You know, as if this wasn't depressing enough.

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

Picking a single horrifying piece of baby clothing from T-Shirt Hell was almost impossible. In the end I skipped over "Priest Magnet," "Daddy Drinks Because I Cry" and "The Dogs Humps Me When You're Not Looking" to go with this classically bad pun.

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

On a similar note...Look, I'm still a fan of Michael Jackson's music. And yes, he was acquitted of all charges of sexual misconduct with a minor. That being said, do you really think it's appropriate to clothe your kid in the catchphrase of a man with that reputation? If so, here you go.

 

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

Don't you love it when people run out of places for bumper stickers on the back of their cars and decide to use their kids instead? I sure do. Don't worry. You can find plenty of this sort of thing from the Democratic side as well. I just liked this one on Café Press the best since it implies that someone lets their toddler sleep with a gun to protect themselves from the President for extra special idiocy.

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

I've already run afoul of the anti-circumcision movement once before, so I'm used to it. I get that it's a very touchy subject and a lot of parents have strong feelings about it one way or the other. Myself, I could care less what you do or don't do to your son's foreskin, which is why I really wish you wouldn't dress them in shirts that immediately make me picture an infant's dick.

Finally, we have this gem from the National Organization for Marriage-sponsored Ruth Institute. Among other things, they believe that professional groups use drugs to delay puberty and increase the window of opportunity to pick sexual orientation, that women should use marriage to assuage any nagging feeling of wanting a career, and that a host of shady gay activities are done by shady gays. They also run a Café Press store selling this onesie. The most offensive thing about it? They want $31.99 for you to use your kid as a billboard for your bigotry.

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

After all, you can get an official Evil Wizard Jesus onesie with original artwork by Houston's own master spooky artist Bret Harmeyer for $10 less!


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