The Expendable Roles of The Expendables
The Expendables, a new action flick that stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Steven Austin, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger as mercenaries who try to overthrow a cold-blooded dictator, is coming to theaters. Even with their combined ages of 462 years, the only thing that could make this flick beefier (besides the addition of another over-the-hill action star), would be if moviegoers ate jerky instead of popcorn during the movie.
But these actors' resumés are not as bulletproof as the characters they play. In fact, most have had one-or-more films that are expendable. Send us an example of one we forgot and win a pair of free passes to The Expendables. HPcontest@houstonpress.com
Sylvester Stallone, 64 Death Race 2000 - "Machine Gun Joe" Sure, it's a cult classic featuring the late David Carradine, but it's still awful. Stallone plays a man tired of coming in second place to Frankenstein (Carradine) in the murderous "Transcontinental Road Race" where points are scored for killing innocent pedestrians. What make this an expendable role? Stallone is more of a side note and really just mugs while he pretends to drive.
Jason Statham, 37 Transporter 3 - "Frank Martin" In this sequel, Statham beats a dead horse. Not literally, but that would have made it more entertaining. Back again as Frank Martin, a driver who puts UPS drivers to shame. This time, he has an explosive device attached to his wrist, and if he leaves the car, he blows up. Bloke must be wearing Depends.
Jet Li, 47 Unleashed - "Danny" Having been raised as a fighting dog by Bob Hoskins (Note: Michael Vick was not involved in the filming), Li escapes from bad-master Hoskins after they get in a car accident. Li is eventually found and forced into underground cage fighting. With Morgan Freeman as a blind piano tuner.
Dolph Lundgren, 52 Masters of the Universe - "He-man" Lundgren ruins childhood for '80s-reared kids while proving he can't command a movie. Best part: after the credits when Skeletor (Frank Langella) appears, still alive, hinting at a sequel that was never made (thankfully).
Steven Austin, 45 Expendable role? All of 'em.
Mickey Rourke, 57 Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man - "Harley" Rourke teams up with Don Johnson, and the two discover an armored car full of drugs while robbing banks to save their friend's bar from being foreclosed. The ludicrous failure of a film marks the beginning of Rourke's downhill slide. Welcome back, Mick. (Or did we speak too soon?)
Terry Crews, 42 White Chicks - Latrell Spencer Crews was actually funny in this. The best scene is when he takes ecstasy and dances with the glow sticks. Unfortunately it's still White Chicks, the worst movie in the Wayans catalog.
Bruce Willis, 55 Hudson Hawk - "Hudson" After his first day out on parole, master thief Willis is forced to steal several Leonardo Da Vinci works so that evil can take over the world. The worst part: listening to Willis sing.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, 63 Junior - "Dr. Alex Hesse" Arnold gets pregnant, and it's not funny. Not funny at all.
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.