The Kim Kardashian Fantasy Relationship Draft 2011
Whatever, TL;DR, Yawn...
The dream of a new Camelot died this week as Kim Kardashian and hubby Kris Humphries called their 72-day marriage off on Monday. From the start everyone on the outside just assumed this was a business partnership to sell ad space on E!, while everyone involved feigned happiness and tears as the engagement, preparations and wedding were covered breathlessly as if Baby Kim was trapped in a well in a backyard Midland.
For the few instances we watched the corporate-made couple interact, Kardashian would chirp and flutter her eyelids skyward towards Humphries while he would try his best not to hit his head on door frames and remember to breathe.
This marriage went longer than we all expected, and didn't even have to end in a tearful 911 call to the Las Vegas PD like all the cooler short-term unions. Keep in mind still that these two could get married, but that a gay couple joining hands and tax forms in front of God will bring about floods, zombies and the destruction of the Holy Whatever.
As long as they are trivializing marriage and divorce, we might as well start picking new conquests for Kardashian, who no doubt will be back on the televised prowl as a single gal in a few months' time. We're pretty outspoken when it comes to the idiocy of this ordeal, but that don't mean we can't bro-down about, right?
We picked ten potential new mates for Kardashian based on our love of celebrity trainwrecks, our base carnal desires, and pretty much what would come up on a Google search the quickest. Miley Cyrus. Viagra. Free iPad. See?
10. Tim Tebow
Bow to the ass, Tebow. Bow to it. Plus, he's an athlete, or so we have heard, when he is not a meme.
9. Justin Bieber
For Beebs, it would be like dating a king-size Selena Gomez. For Kim, movie tickets would cost less. One adult and one student.
8. Chaz Bono
Because maybe what Kardashian needs is someone who knows what it is like to be an object of scorn and alternately adulation by the masses? Or maybe we just wanna think of how awesome the cover in People would look with these two getting married in New York.
Hey hey, I never said I thought that Kardashian was ugly, but maybe she just needs a positive male influence in her life that has chronic heartburn and enjoys the finer things in life like Luby's cafeteria food and pearl snap shirts from thrift stores. Also, when did I turn 62?
6. Ryan Reynolds
After divorcing Scarlett Johansson, Reynolds moving on to Kardashian would be like going from taking honors classes to Introduction to Basket Weaving. We imagine that ScarJo made him read books without pictures and dumb stuff like that.
5. Ice-T and Coco
Hey, it's 2011 and stranger things could happen, plus it would take over like, four reality shows in one. Hell, just make it a channel unto itself, called ICK, and charge ten bucks a month.
4. Charlie Sheen
Fucking sigh. You were all thinking it, and I had to type it. Two & A Half Buttocks. Tiger print blood. Kim Kardasheen. I hate myself now.
3. Ashton Kutcher
"You got the looks and I got the...I have the...you know...wanna meet Jon Cryer? He's pretty cool in person."
2. Christina Hendricks
What? Is this too bro-ish for you all? Their combined features would save the country, the economy, the rec center and that cat that's stuck in the tree.
Photo By Marco Torres
1. Kanye West
I want this to happen with the intensity of a thousand suns in the sky. Think of the music videos, the tweets, the photoshoots, the shopping sprees, and the hobos they would hire their minions to kill for sport at album listening parties and movie premieres. What? That's what all celebs do at their parties, right?
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