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The Most Bizarre Tributes to Nicolas Cage Online

Nicolas Cage is... he's sort of hard to define. I mean, if an alien landed on Earth and took my family hostage until I answered the question, "WHAT IS NICOLAS CAGE?" then, man, they would be so, so lasered. Nicolas Cage is like being on real world and bizarre world at the same time.

Granted, he is responsible for some of my favorite films ever. Raising Arizona is a masterpiece, Wild at Heart is still David Lynch's best film in my opinion, and shut up, I like Con Air. Did you pay to see the last Die Hard film? Then you don't get to make fun of me for liking Con Air.

Then again, there's his soul-stirring performance in The Wicker Man where he punches women in a bear suit until they pour bees in his eyes, as well as his... unique take on the Spirit of Vengeance that is Ghost Rider. The fact that he managed to get a sequel made only proves Cage's position as a strange god. It's no wonder that the Internet worships him. But the way they go about it...

The Most Bizarre Tributes to Nicolas Cage Online

Art: There are plenty of normal paintings of Cage available through DeviantArt and Etsy... and by normal I mean that they capture his regular weirdness without cranking up the dial. Then there's this one above by FishMas that reminds us of Cage's immortal line, "Oh no, not the bees, not the bees! Auuuugh! Aglubah my eyes! My eyes! Aaaauuuurrrrgh!" Even this isn't as bad as a pencil drawing by Gingerbread Basics that asks the question, "Looking for a Nic Cage and Batman cross over? Want to see his inner villain?" then forces us to see Cage as Two-Face without waiting for our desperate negation.

Poetry: Speaking as someone that built a second-rate rock career on the back of a song tribute to David Arquette, I feel I speak with authority when I say that poems to Nic Cage are just unnerving. Sure, some of them are just fun, like this one from Mike Tries Poems...

Nicolas Cage, oh Nicolas Cage,

You're rich, yet as humble as minimum wage.

You rode on a bike with your head all aflame,

Then they made a Part 2 and you did just the same.

That's fun, right? But then you read something like this one from JR Reynolds who compares himself to the "pure and clean" heart of Cage with astounding negativity, and basically goes on to explain he's a better actor than Cage because no one knows he's quietly waiting to freakin' die. Better to stick with the love poems over at Cagealot Castle.

 

Fanfiction: What's the opposite of Nicolas Cage? Yes, sanity and gummi bears, but the answer I was looking for was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That didn't stop Ridire from penning a crossover that suddenly spirits Cage from his house reading a Ghost Rider script to the magical land of Equestria, where he is immediately arrested for breaking the peace. Princess Celestia hostages his freedom for...

"All will be well, Nicolas Cage. Quite simply, I want you to fuck me as limp as a live starfish. As limp as a dead squid. Only then, Nicolas Cage, will I send you back." Nick Cage was flattered. It seemed his prowess in bed was known beyond the normal human dimensions.

It's funny the things that make you sure God is dead.

The Most Bizarre Tributes to Nicolas Cage Online

Movies: Did you see Man of Steel? It was pretty good, right? What you may not know is that back in 1998 there was going to be a movie called Superman Lives starring Nicolas Cage as Clark Kent and was to be written by Kevin Smith and directed by Tim Burton. Unfortunately, all this was put in the hands of a producer named Jon Peters who was so insane that Nicolas Cage is actually the least nutty thing involved. He wanted Superman out of the costume, to never fly, to fight a giant spider, and for the villain Brainiac to have a talking robot dog so they could sell toys.

Strangely, someone wants us to not forget this horrible almost-accident of a pop culture apocalypse. That man is Metalocalypse's Jon Schnepp, who has raised over $100,000 on Kickstarter to make a feature-length documentary about the cancelled movie. It's got the potential to be something great. Kevin Smith certainly made hay of it in his spoken word, but I worry about letting these ideas get out in film form where they may infect other producers.

Video Games: There has never been a truly great video game inspired by a Nicolas Cage movie because they didn't realize that Con Air had that potential (It totally does). So, two modders named Criken2 and Shayne decided to introduce Nicolas Cage to the world of video games. Did they do something playful like that Charles Barkley RPG, or maybe a fighting game where different Cages could be pitted against each other in some sort of epic battle for Cage supremacy? Nope, not even close.

Instead they spent month after month with the code of Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask painstakingly removing the faces of other characters and inaminate objects and replacing them with the face of Cage. He is the fairies, the townspeople, the masks on the Happy Mask Salesman's pack, even the giant moon. It's all Cage, because that game wasn't creepy enough to start with. Thanks, Internet, why don't you just replace everyone with Nic Ca... oh crap, you did.

Jef With One F is a recovering rock star taking it one day at a time. You can read about his adventures in The Bible Spelled Backwards or connect with him on Facebook.


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