Recently, Art Attack reached the ultimate milestone. We became a video game reviewer. There are game companies right now who have our name on a list to send us every game they make for free no questions asked in hopes that we will say something nice about it to you folks. We are king of all creation.
So we've been in a video game mood, and with a few exceptions like Portal what makes a video game fun is power-ups. That's what we're always hoping for in real life, isn't it? We want to rummage in a trash can and come out with a winning lottery ticket or the ability to remove Zooey Deschanel's clothes. Instead we get an empty chili can and something that smells like pine and death.
What are the best power-ups in the history of gaming, well we'd like to point out...
It's a divided world on this one. Some people think that the ability to catch grenades and rockets, and then hurl them back at your attacker is "useless." We call those people "dead inside." We used the ability throughout the whole game. If nothing else you get to hurl corpses and pretend that you're a general in a medieval siege army.
Altered Beasts was one of the few reasons to own a Sega Genesis over a SNES. Throughout the game you get to evolve into more and more advanced forms of human animal hybrids. It was lycanthropy on steroids, and we loved every minute.
It's common place in roleplaying games now, but back in the day you didn't have the choice to walk or run. You just plodded along at a snail's pace as minutes of your life drained away. The sprint shoes in Final Fantasy VI changed all that by doubling your walking speed. Now every game just plain gives you the ability from the get go.
Shooting zombies is almost a religion at this point, but sometimes you just want to speed through them like a speed freak on speed. That's where the adrenaline shot came in. With one hypodermic stab you were suddenly faster, stronger, better than you were before.
We've never been really clear on why Capcom decided to suddenly remake the Mega Man games into the even more futuristic X series, but since they're so flippin' great we're not going to complain too much. Among many stellar abilities imparted in the game, including throwing a hadouken, were the mech armors just lying around where anyone could jump in.
Did you know that pizza gives you ability to spin wildly while holding a sharp object and gain invincibility against hordes of robotic ninjas? Neither did we? Why doesn't Dominoes put that in their ads?
Nintendo came upon a brilliant idea in the last couple of years. "Why don't we just let them become giant sized for a few seconds and wreak complete havoc?" They started with Mario, but our favorite incarnation of this was the mallet that made your Kirby army supersized. Mostly because for some reason it reminds us of the giant Mr. Fluffers in Night of the Lepus.
You show me a boy who doesn't want a robotic terrier and we will show you a person devoid of human emotion. After building the little guy from scratch he makes tracking down extras and puzzles incredibly easy. Also, wook at his widdle metal ears!
Remember how we said they just left mech armor laying around for the taking in Mega Man X? Well Contra III left tanks just waiting for the right soldier to somersault in and begin the ruining of shit. Just in case you're wondering why we rated tanks higher than mech armor, it's because you actually got to kill a mini boss with this thing in addition to just running over everything in your path.
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No Mario Game before or since has had the ball slapping insano-awesomeness of the power-ups in SMB 3. Raccoons that can fly, better raccoons that can become statues, giant shoes to stomp with, and becoming a god damned Hammer Bros. We'd trade our souls for any of those abilities in real life. Well, maybe not ours, but definitely yours.