The Unluckiest Characters in Movie History (In Honor of Friday the You Know)
Today is Friday the 13th -- be wary of black cats, throw salt behind your back, don't text while driving -- a date on the calendar which modern folklore has deemed as the unluckiest day of all. I don't know, but I think that April 15 (Tax Day) is the most luck-starved day of any year. Same goes for the first five or six hours of New Year's Day. Youch.
Of course there is also always the flip side of Friday the 13th. Someone has to be lucky on that day. If we all had bad luck on these special days, then we would just do away with calendars and the number 13 altogether and call it something else. Flurteen or something.
Here is an extensive look at what makes the number 13 and Friday in tandem a frightful event for some. How can Friday be bad? It's Friday! Rebecca Black even wrote a song about how awesome it is. Triskaidekaphobia my ass. You are all babies.
(Hides under blanket.)
Film history is full of unlucky characters, undone by fate. I'm talking about the people who did nothing but exist and had the world drop a deuce on their lives. Not people who did bad and got their comeuppance; as much as I love the tale of Fredo Corleone in the Godfather saga, he had it all coming to him.
Tommy Williams, Shawshank Redemption
All the young greaser crook wanted to do was help Andy Dufresne's case
Nicolas Cage, The Weather Man
His daughter has prominent genitalia, people throw apple pies and shakes at him, he forgot the family tartar sauce and his dad has lymphoma.
Lester Burnham, American Beauty
Yes, it can be said that Kevin Spacey's Burnham led a torrid last few months on Earth, but he didn't deserve to be shot in the back of the head by Chris Cooper. Everything before his murder wasn't advisable, but his behavior was understandable.
Anyone in The Human Centipede
David Mills, Seven
Good cop with the head of his beautiful wife in a box.
Sgt. Elias, Platoon
Sgt. "Red" O'Neill was a slavish tool for Sgt. Barnes who cannot even get wounded in battle. Sometimes the worst luck isn't dying, it's surviving. But poor Elias fights the good fight for the whole movie and still gets greased by vindictive Barnes.
Private Leonard, Full Metal Jacket
Driven mad and feral by his Marine Corps recruit training, and all he wanted to do was become a jarhead.
Little Bill, Boogie Nights
Your wife is a slut, screwing guys left, right, up, down and even in the driveway at a pool party. You do little more than deal with it while helping block porn scenes. Poor Little Bill isn't the only one who has problems in Boogie Nights. Scotty J. has a crush on Dirk Diggler that nearly destroys him.
Ned Ryerson, Groundhog Day
His only sin seemed to be kindness. Since Phil Connors was stuck in the same day over and over again in Groundhog Day, doesn't that mean that everyone else was, too??
Chief Inspector Charles LaRousse Dreyfus, The Pink Panther Series
John McClane, The Die Hard Series
All you are trying to do is thwart terrorism and your body becomes a pin cushion for punishment. Each film in the Die Hard series puts the man through some sort of monkey shines. For one movie, let's see Bruce Willis have a normal day: wake up, read the paper, get coffee, win a few bucks on a lottery ticket, and doze off in front of the TV smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Marvin, Pulp Fiction
One minute you are riding around town with your hitman hood friends, and the next your brain housing group is covering the backseat and window of a car. Plus, we never see what happens to your corpse.
Luke Skywalker, Star Wars Trilogy
As my friend Steven Devadanam put it: "He loses a hand and finds out he can't bang Carrie Fisher after seeing her in the Jabba outfit because she's his sister." Alex Kintner, Jaws
Shouldn't have gotten in the water at all. And neither should any of you. Ever.
Bobby Cooper, U-Turn
Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you. Check this underrated 1997 creeper from Oliver Stone to see what I mean.
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