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These Are Toys? Odd Holiday Gifts For Your Kid

At least there is a warning label.
At least there is a warning label.

There is an amazingly funny old Saturday Night Live sketch with Dan Aykroyd and Candice Bergen in which Aykroyd, a toy salesman, is being interviewed on a fake show called "Consumer Probe." Bergen drills Aykroyd on his highly unsafe and ridiculous toys such as "Bag 'O Glass" and "Teddy Chainsaw Bear." Nowadays you would never even find such jokes being made because toys have to go through rigorous testing and virally anxious mom blogs, but that doesn't mean that there aren't those toys that make you say, "huh?"

Enter a press release that was forwarded to me from my editor from a company that makes lab coats and medical scrubs. Their claim is that this holiday season sales of child-sized lab coats and nurse scrubs have been through the roof.

"With virtually no advertising, we have received a flurry of orders for our kids products in recent weeks," said Lee Blum, president of Labwear.com via the company's press release.

Really? Lab coats are cool Christmas gifts this year? Kids these days! Of course, my mind immediately went to a dark place as I imagined a trend in children producing fake crystal meth due to the popularity of Breaking Bad. And then I thought that a kids fake meth lab would probably be a huge money-maker, but it would be incredibly disturbing at the same time.

I have admittedly been out of the toy-buying loop for sometime and so "all I want is a lab coat for Christmas" threw me off. I did some digging on Amazon's toy-buying guide and was perplexed by a number of their popular items that didn't seem much like toys.

Twilight Breaking Dawn "Bella's Hair Comb in Velvet Box

These Are Toys? Odd Holiday Gifts For Your Kid

Your daughter loves Twilight? That's nice. Don't buy her a $45 hair comb based on one that Bella wore in the movie. How silly is this? If it were $15 or less, I would be 100 percent behind this purchase for a teeniebopper obsessed with these movies, but $45 is a lot of money! Put it toward something she will use long-term, like a book about how to get middle school boys to be attracted to you; Lesson 1: don't wear Twilight accessories.

A Snowball Maker

These Are Toys? Odd Holiday Gifts For Your Kid

Are our children that inept that they can no longer take a wad of snow and squash it together between their two hands and form a ball-like shape? This is everything that is wrong with society. Parents either completely ignore their children or they demand perfection resulting in high stress environments filled with standardized tests to get into preschools, an overly-scheduled lifestyle and now the need for impeccably formed snowballs.

Wooden Eggs

These Are Toys? Odd Holiday Gifts For Your Kid

Wooden eggs. In a recyclable container. Thanks?   Liquid Ass

This can't go right
This can't go right

This product as a good holiday present caught me off guard. Here are its excellent selling points:

  • Highly concentrated, super-horrible smelling fart spray
  • Smells like ASS ... only worse

How could this present go right? Just give your child a can of chili and you'll have the same effect.

A Balance Bike

I hate you
I hate you

Balance Bikes are pre-bike, bikes. They even come before bikes with training wheels, except with training wheels, you just take those off and you have a regular bike. With a Balance Bike your child learns how to balance but not pedal. According to Amazon, "Traditional bicycles place too much of the focus on learning to pedal -- skimping on developing your child's motor skills."

What the f#@% are you talking about? So, for 100 years or however long we've been riding bicycles, parents have been denying their children good motor skills? Are we all just walking into walls and dropping things on the floor all the time? Get your child a bike and stop talking about developmental issues that you just made up to sell a product. P.S. your kid is going to want a real bike regardless.

Horse Head

What every child wants this holiday season.
What every child wants this holiday season.

There is nothing fancy nor extraneous about this "toy." It is a horse head mask that guarantees you will be "the life of the party." For a child, I find it unsafe as many of the comments mention how difficult it is to see out of the mask. But on the flip-side of that, here is one of the comments, so maybe it is worth purchasing for your little one after all.

By ByronicHero on December 3, 2012

It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place... But we will be ready.


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