On Sunday afternoon while sifting through the wild, varied and onanistic life of the late Ernest Borgnine, I noticed that a few people in my circle of friends thought he died a long time ago, or they thought that Ernest Borgnine was someone else altogether. Some of you assumed he had died in 2009, but no, you are probably thinking of Karl Malden. Way different noses.
Further investigation (i.e., Googling that crap) shows that actually a lot of other showbiz and political people are still alive, ones that you have all written off mentally. Ross Perot, the clown prince of the 1992 and 1996 presidential elections? Yep, still kicking at 82 years old. Jesus, he looked 82 years old two decades ago?
Now hurry up and read this before one of these people dies.
The legendary comedian, Dean Martin bro and Muscular Dystrophy Association champion is 86, and has outlived all of his Rat Pack buddies.
You think that Lansbury resents Betty White every time she sees her on TV saying curse words and thinks, "That could have been me"?
She was playing sexy and ravishing grandmas when Reagan was still president.
This man cost me a million dollars, and I think he is only alive to make me remember that I will always be poor.
Leslie Nielsen's Naked Gun partner and Dragline from Cool Hand Luke is 87 and was last seen in 2011's Another Happy Day.
The grandpa/rich dude from Jurassic Park is nearly prehistoric at 88 years of age. He also starred with Borgnine in 1965's The Flight of the Phoenix.
Olivia de Havilland
This grand leading lady is only one of four surviving cast members from 1939's Gone with the Wind. The 96-year-old spends her time mostly parading around her age, which is what we should all aspire to do one day.
Now preferring to be known as Clara Kappelhoff -- which sounds like a bad indie-rock band -- the singer and actress last released an album in 2011 with My Heart and has been retired from the screen for some time.
It lives. And tours. Younger people will know him as one of the bad guys from the Night at the Museum flicks.
Dude was Tuco in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly AND Calvera in The Magnificent Seven. This makes up for being in Two Much and The Associate in the mid-'90s. If you know, you know.
Phyllis Diller & Carol Channing
Growing up, I thought these ladies were the same person.
The bigger Lebowski is still alive, keeping those sequel hopes alive for everyone except the Coen Brothers.
Durning was at the Normandy Invasion of France on D-Day, making him a supreme badass in my book and rendering his Broadway career all the more amazing. His list of '80s acting credits is like a best-of roster of the movies that you watch on basic cable on lazy afternoons. Dick Tracy! The Hudsucker Proxy! The Man with One Red Shoe!
Frankie Avalon & Annette Funicello
For my money, Annette was one of the hottest things about the '60s, and Frankie Avalon I blame for Sonic being so popular. Both are still breathing.
God keeps his 93-year-old cheerleader kicking, even after years of medical troubles. He comes out of nowhere now and then to condemn things here and there, but otherwise stays mum.
John Glenn & Neil Armstrong
I credit the inhalation of space dust for Glenn and Armstrong living so long, and alien probing. Don't bring facts into this.
The Milk Snatcher lives.
He likes to kiss boys and girls.
The best part of vintage 20/20, besides Barbara Walter's voice.
Lifelong politician was the great hope of the Democratic Party in the '60s and '70s before shuffling off into the private sector in 2001.
Clearasil is a wonder drug, I presume.
Ann B. Davis
She was old when my mother watched The Brady Bunch. For that matter, how is it that the father from TBB, Robert Reed, is the only one who is dead in 2012? Okay, he got AIDS in the '80s, but still. All those kids snorted half of Peru after the show ended and at least one of them has been in trouble with the law each year since 1975.
The king of uncomfortable conversation was Papa Elf in Elf and was in 2011's Horrible Bosses. Hi Bob!
The comedy legend starred as Coach Calhoun in both Grease movies for better or worse, and died at the end of National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation. The list of comedians he has worked with is like a Who's Who of reasons why modern funniness exists.
The longtime announcer for Saturday Night Live still works on the show, though at points cast member Darrell Hammond filled in for the 94-year-old.
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Judge Joseph Wapner hasn't been a real judge since 1977, the year Elvis Presley died. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife Mickey and is still presiding over the court of life at the age of 92.
It ain't over till it's over.