Titanic and Four Other Horrible Things That Shouldn't Be in 3D

Titanic and Four Other Horrible Things That Shouldn't Be in 3D

When a reporter writes a story, he gets a check. Sometimes, another publication likes that story so much that they want to run it in their publication. When that happens (sometimes), they send the writer another check, which is awesome because you already did the work.

Now picture that check in 3D and also the size of, say Delaware, and you have the basic gist of James Cameron's latest plan. Next year, on April 6, he will re-release his award-winning, blockbusting film Titanic into theaters in 3D. That's right, rather than bother coming up with an original idea and growing as an artist, Cameron will simply sprinkle magic 3D dust on a film that's already made him 1.21 gigabucks in an attempt to outdo George Lucas in draining the last dollar from a previously released work.

Look, we understand that Titanic was a big film. We can get behind that, hell, we'll even admit that it wasn't the worst film on a boat we've ever seen... that's McHale's Navy. However, we've been a Titanic nut since we were little. One of our favorite books is Walter Lord's A Night to Remember, which is a wonderful minute-by-minute account of the sinking.

You have to remember that the loss of the Titanic was also the greatest loss of life at sea ever. Is this really the kind of experience you want to feel you're in the middle of? Sure, we'll get as close to Kate Winslet naked as technology will allow, but there is the whole crushed to death, frozen to death, scalded to death, drowned to death, and just plain old deathed to death to deal with.

By Cameron's logic, we can probably expect to see...

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SCHINDLER'S LIST

Easily one of the best films ever made, Liam Neeson stars as Oskar Schindler, a German businessman who managed to save the lives of hundreds of Jews by duping the Nazis. Watching Schindler grow from disinterested entrepreneur into a savior is an amazing journey, and for our money the final scene as he breaks down in tears over the lives he might have saved is the best thing ever filmed.

Hey, wouldn't it be great if that was in 3D? We could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with other people living under a perpetual death sentence from a fascist group of loony tunes while the man who has done everything in his power to prolong our lives collapses when he realizes how little he was able to accomplish against hate and bigotry. Of course, we'd have to colorize the film. Who would want to see black and white 3D?

 

Titanic and Four Other Horrible Things That Shouldn't Be in 3D

BOYS DON'T CRY

Did someone say bigotry and hatred? Boys Don't Cry is the film that launched Hilary Swank as something other than the Next Karate Kid and a bit player from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She plays Brandon Teena, a transgendered woman who masquerades as a man in Lincoln, Nebraska, falling in love with a woman named Lana Tisdel. Eventually, Teena is discovered to be anatomically female and is beaten, raped, and eventually murdered by Tisdel's friends.

Hey, wouldn't it be great if that was in 3D? The film wasn't a huge success when released, but Swank has become an A-list player now. Her name alone should be able to bring in the big bucks. With 3D technology those of us who would like to be within spitting distance of hate crime but don't quite have the courage to commit one can stand right beside Peter Sarsgaard and Brendon Sexton III as they force Swank over the hood of a car, and then later put a bullet in her head while a child in the room screams. We could reshoot the scene so it looks like the bullet is coming right at us.

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

One day, The Wife With One F said, "I feel like something uplifting, something about cute animals and narrated by Morgan Freeman." With that, we rushed right out and rented March of the Penguins, hoping for a big-budget awww-fest. Instead we watched one of the most horrifying and sad films ever made. Dead babies! They show freakin' dead babies!

Hey, wouldn't it be great if that was in 3D? We could stand in the same magnificent landscape that drove Lovecraft to write At the Mountains of Madness and watch a group of intrepid penguins as they push themselves almost to the brink of death in hopes of hatching their eggs.

You would really get the feeling that the sun, life-giving, warm, and friend to mankind, was blotted out by the howling blizzards of Antarctica. All around you would be the adorable baby penguins who will surely die when their parents fail to return from their icy trail of tears. You'll be so close you can almost pick them up. You can't though. They're just ghostly images of dead babies.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Whether you like Mel Gibson as a person or not, the man is a hell of a director when he wants to be. The Passion of the Christ is a landmark film, generating huge sums of money while being shot entirely in a dead language and featuring scenes of incredibly graphic violence. All in the name of facing the painful death of Jesus with an unflinching eye to illuminate the magnitude of his sacrifice.

Hey, wouldn't it be great if that was in 3D? The first time we ever heard the phrase fatty tissue was in reviews of The Passion. When the barbed whips of the Romans are pulled free of Christ's flesh, you could literally have bits of his holy blood and body parts fly out at the audience. It would be like a combination church/Lady Gaga/GWAR show. We could stand beneath the cross, almost close enough to save him but forever unable to do so. Oh damn this weak mortal frame. Damn you James Cameron.


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