Top 10: Scarlett Johansson's New Dudes
Come on, Scar Jo, have you seen yourself?
Yes, the sad news came this week that Scarlett Johansson and hubby Ryan Reynolds are divorcing after two years of marriage. It looks like a match made in heaven, at least for the tabloids. They are arguably two of the most attractive film stars going right now, with multiple projects in the works.
Plus, Johansson has big boobs, huge lips, and looks exactly like how marijuana and ecstasy make you feel. I'm assuming most of my ex-girlfriends fantasized about Ryan Reynolds while we were having sex, but I have nothing but love for Van Wilder.
Now that Scar Jo is on the market, who should she see start seeing next? We assume she'll be needing some time off from a relationship, and I wouldn't want her to offend Reynolds by dating an overly-attractive guy like myself so soon after their split. I'm not a monster.
Click ahead for the top 10 candidates.
Jersey Boys (Touring)
TicketsTue., Nov. 15, 7:30pm
The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses - Master Quest
TicketsFri., Nov. 18, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Nov. 19, 7:00pm
John Cleese & Eric Idle
TicketsTue., Nov. 29, 7:30pm
Jeff Dunham: Perfectly Unbalanced Tour
TicketsThu., Dec. 1, 7:30pm
10. George Clooney We all want, you want, just get it over with and let him put the stuff in you and have the pretty babies.
9. Taylor Lautner Try some young stuff for a change. If it works out, you have a fistfight with Taylor Swift to look forward to in the bathroom at the Oscars, plus a concept album all about how your boobs are big and stupid and you're a bitch.
8. Drake "Game set, match point. She's a good woman, makes me feel like an iron man too. Vicky Cristina, buy an island off Barcelona. Scarlett, oh hell yeah."
7. Daniel Radcliffe What? He's grown up now. Maybe this wizard can cast a spell on her heart? Maybe I can admit to the world that I've never seen a Harry Potter movie finally. That's the one with the fat kid that does the Truffle Shuffle, right? And they're looking for the lord of the rings?
6. Dan Auerbach If you think the singing-and-strumming half of the Black Keys writes sexy jams now, imagine what he could do after he gets to see Scar Jo in the shower or eating ice cream out of the carton wearing only a pair of yoga pants and a wife-beater.Next Page
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.