I was a passionate fan of both Good Morning, Miss Bliss and Saved by the Bell. Especially the latter, and it's all because of the fact that lead character Zack Morris was a crazed, megalomaniacal psychopath who could stop time. Seriously, he was such a bizarrely charming yet dangerously powerful and unhinged person that I honestly believe he should be the villain in the next Bill and Ted movie. On Etsy, Zack Morris has his own little cult-making fetishes. Here are the best.
Now, I have no problem even with neo-Nazis putting the onesies they like on their kids. If there's one thing all creeds and peoples can agree on, it's that if you're going to be responsible for caring for a being made of poop and crying, then you should at least get to stick him or her in the clothes of your choice until he's old enough to fight it. The Itty Bitty Boutique ranges from cute to offensive, and has a great love of '80s pop culture. Both Zack and Alf are available, or as I call them, The Beast and his Hound.
There's a fair amount of Zack Morris jewelry available on Etsy, like these earrings from Meowheads. Meowheads specializes in these severed head playing card earrings, a sentence I really, really hope I am the first and last person to type. Each one bears a quote from whatever character is featured, and here we have Morris's famous "Time out." Considering how Morris would use his power to sabotage kisses and frame friends for punching authority figures, you have to wonder about the person who would wear these earrings.
Let's go ahead and get all the jewelry out of the way because frankly, it creeps me the hell out only slightly less than the thought of Kesha's necklace made of fan teeth. This piece from Faheema can be ordered as a necklace or a broach. Also...does anyone else see a weird resemblance to Barack Obama? I know some people think the president is the Anti-Christ, but I had no idea that meant this specific one.Rocks Off The 10 Most Bizarre David Bowie-Themed Items on Etsy
"Have Zack of Saved by the Bell on your finger all the time." That's Charm456's sales pitch, and also I'm pretty sure one of the plagues God was considering using on the Egyptians. These brass rings come with gift boxes, and if the idea of having someone open a box only to see a tiny Zack Morris head doesn't make you laugh, then congratulations. You're a good person. That's it. No more jewelry.
Okay, I lied. One more. These are Buddy Bands, handmade friendship bracelets from Purplerose23. The description for this Zack Morris-inspired bracelet goes, "The colors are cool and masculine like the character." I count among my friends transsexuals, bikers, a guy that professionally hunts Bigfoot, Whovians, a girl that uses menstrual blood in her art and Christian Kidd. Even with that kind of selection, I can't think of anyone who would appreciate this bracelet as a token of my friendship.
Some art styles are kind of niche. I get that. For instance, I didn't know that anyone would say, "Tiny easels and canvases! Thus shall I express my inner Creator!" That's what they do over at the Teeny Tiny Canvas Company. The art they use to try and draw you into this medium is unbelievably random, ranging from Zack and Kelly up there to a pug dressed as a Ghostbuster to pin-ups to Bob Marley.
I'm sorry. Though I will admit that this is actually some pretty sweet art by Rainbow Alternative, I am going to have to deduct points for referencing Zack's musical career through vinyl art without actually mentioning the magic that was Zack Attack. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you did.
Our last three items represent the fine artistic interpretations of Zack Morris. The first is part of Art by Ken's strange fascination with pixelated and otherwise obscured portraits. He produces 8-bit renditions of all the Saved by the Bell cast, and an extra special one of Kelly Kapowski where it looks like you're viewing her through a scrambled adult channel. Trust Etsy to produce both porn and not-porn in the exact same work of art.
Next, Ms. Loyal's Art offers a vivid look at Zack Morris that is somewhat of a cross between Patrick Nagel's work and the cover of Lindsay Lohan's album Speak. Honestly, I'd call it the best Morris-inspired painting on Etsy except for our third entry.
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Davinder Brar out of Vancouver is responsible for this 1996 take on Alan Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. As the artists describe it...
Abuse of Playback, the technologically-derived drug made from distilled human memories, is sweeping the world -- and Special Agent Fox Mulder learned too late that Playback was put forth on this planet by the Purity, seeking to condition humanity to their rule so as to better combat the Deadite incursion threatening the aliens' homeworld. Now Mulder is missing, and it falls to his partner, Dana Scully, to reactivate secret protocol LXG-71, the "League of Extraordinary Gentlepersons" (protocol renamed 1993 for "sensitivity reasons").
Scully swiftly collects Hong Kong Detective-Inspector "Tequila" Yuen, hyperviolent Wiccan practitioner Nancy Downs, the biological experiment/walking weapon known only as "Edward," and a young high-functioning sociopath named Zack Morris who has the strange ability to stop the flow of time itself. Perhaps it is this last who attracts the attention of an enigmatic man who answers only to "Rufus," and who asks Scully to "set history right" and see that two young musicians -- that, so far as she can tell, never existed -- be born anew, so that peace may flourish on Earth. But the Purity have never shown any signs of temporal travel capability... so who, then, altered history?
Why isn't this a real thing?
Although to be fair, the last League of Extraordinary Gentlemen had Harry Potter shooting lightning from his wee-wee, and that's worth reading. Luckily, Etsy offers Weird Condom-Related Items for that.