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Top 4 Most Bizarrely Awesome Jobs (NSFW)

Top 4 Most Bizarrely Awesome Jobs (NSFW)

Though it's recovering at a sloooooooow but steady rate, there are still a lot of people here in America out of work. More than that, the fact that the job market is so depressed means that even people with jobs are suffering. Not as much, of course, but consider this:

How many of you are sticking with employers you loathe simply for the health insurance and the steady paycheck? In the environment we have right now it's just too much of a risk to go back to school to pursue something better, or venture out on your own to form that dream business you've always wanted.

Still, every economic indicator points to light at the end of the tunnel if we can hold on. One day soon you'll be in a position to strike out for the Promised Land in search of a profession that will truly make you happy. In anticipation of that happy day, I present to you five gigs people have snagged to prove that you can love your work because it is awesome!

Hollywood Forever Cemetery Guide
Top 4 Most Bizarrely Awesome Jobs (NSFW)
Photo by Alan Light

Admittedly, this might only appeal to tiny black gothic hearts such as the one pumping wine through my bloodstream. Still, even the most solid, unimaginative citizen can see the appeal of working in America's coolest cemetery, Hollywood Forever.

Meet Karen Bible. Dressed in black and carrying a lacy parasol, she guides visitors through a two-hour look at the titans of entertainment that are laid to rest in the graveyard. There's no sleazy hyperbole on her watch. She deals in nothing but the honest, fascinating truth, so do not start correcting her with Kenneth Anger Hollywood Babylon bullshit, OK?

Stops on her walk include the first movie star, Florence Lawrence, whose unmarked grave was finally given its monument at the behest of Bewitched star David White. She's also run into Angelica Huston visiting the grave of her father director John Huston, whose small, cracked headstone gives no indication of how monumental a figure he was in life.

Just for extra fun, on August 23 every year Bible dresses in a period outfit in order to honor the famous Lady in Black, who would visit Rudolph Valentino's grave once a year on the anniversary of his death and leave a single red rose.

 

Remote Control Airplane Bird Chaser

They're out there, you know? An entire group that has brought down airplanes killing people through their actions. The government and other agencies work around the clock to counter these threats because they definitely will do it again and we are otherwise not safe in the skies. I'm talking about birds, of course.

It's not a joke. Birds getting sucked into jet engines isn't a great deal for the bird, but just as anyone that has ever hit a deer with a truck before knows throwing an animal carcass at a piece of machinery with all the glorious power of kinetic energy can royally mess up your engine. More than 200 people have died in crashes directly caused by birds and planes colliding, not to mention the half a billion dollars done in damage annually.

How do we keep the birds away? Well, border collies are a popular method, as are trained falcons to hunt their fellow avians. The best solution, and certainly the one that involves the most fun for the person charged with its execution, is driving the birds away with remote controlled airplanes. And if a combination of World War I dog fighting and Duck Hunt doesn't sound exciting enough to you, according to Eugene LeBoeuf, chief of the U.S. Air Force's Bird/Wildlife Aircraft Strike Hazard Team, you can always just launch fireworks to scare them off.

Professional Gaming Troll
Top 4 Most Bizarrely Awesome Jobs (NSFW)

Thanks to a group of online performance artists that emerged during the election, trolling has been experiencing something of a renaissance, or more accurately a bronze age. Once people annoyed other people online only for the sake of a primitive urge for attention, but as I pointed out twice, there are now whole groups of people that have turned the practice into activism and art.

Sadly, none of them get paid for said work, but there is another kind of troll that does. His name Zedrick Cayne, and he is a troll for hire in the online game Eve. If you're not a gamer, Eve is basically a huge galactic space simulator where you build yourself up doing menial tasks until you can afford a giant space ship capable of engaging in battles.

Like any MMO, the game has jerks, and people want those jerks to get their just desserts. That's where Cayne comes in. His contracts, which cost between 100 million and 500 million in game currency (ISK) a week (Roughly $5 to $15 real world money), plus bonuses for damages and tips if you want to the results to be well-publicized, involve a constant stream of harassment as well as other exploits like bilking targets out of ISK.

One of Cayne's most famous exploits was bringing down a player named Socratic, who annoyed his server so much that 14 people were willing to sacrifice themselves in a plot to take him out. Cayne chronicled the whole thing in a blog with loving detail about how exactly you can troll another player to the point that they have to run as far away as possible. That might sound harsh, but I'll just quote Martin Blank, "If I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there." So if you find Cayne hounding you, you might want to start asking yourself who you made so mad that someone would pay just to have you hounded.

 

Space Mountain Boob Watcher
Top 4 Most Bizarrely Awesome Jobs (NSFW)

The United States has lost a lot of jobs either overseas or through being made obsolete by new technology. Buggy whip makers, gas lantern lighters, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, one of those jobs was dedicated boob watcher at Disneyland.

Starting around the turn of the millennium, Disney started addressing what had become a consistent problem. Women would flash the camera on Splash Mountain as they descended the ramp hoping to get on the preview screen at the end of the ride where you can purchase souvenir photos. The only answer was to pay a person to scan each picture before it went on the screen outside to make sure that no one's kids got an eyeful of playful sweater meat.

Sadly, in 2009 Disney dissolved the position after coming to the conclusion that the supply of exhibitionist young ladies wasn't ample enough to justify assigning a person for that task alone. You hear that, girls? Your unwillingness to show off your boobs on a log flume cost a man the job of a lifetime.

At least someone was responsible enough to make sure that an accurate photographic chronicle of the Happiest Employee on Earth's brief reign will never be forgotten. We can only hope that one day a pioneering group of women will so flood the screens at Disneyland with impressive racks that this job will return.


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