Top 5 Video Game Elvises... Elvi... Whatever
A bit back we brought you a parade of the finest Hitlers in video game history, and you guys seemed to like that pretty well. Still, in the end we were sort of celebrating the pop culture embrace of history's greatest monsters, and it left something of a bad taste in our mouths.
In order to soul gargle, we thought we'd go in the opposite direction, and using a complex mathematical formula developed by us over the years we have deduced that the opposite of Hitler is Elvis. And what do you know, Sunday is the King's 77th birthday, so it seems only fitting that we honor his pixilated forms.
The Nintendo Wii is an awesome system with many, many shitty video games, and Rock 'N' Roll Adventures is one of the most flushworthy of the bunch. Sure, it looks all bright, and fun, but the controls were designed by the aliens who kidnapped Elvis and who only have the basic understanding of human motor control. This was actually the only way to make the game challenging as you can literally beat its three levels in the time it takes to watch one episode of Doctor Who. If you have any children you don't particularly like, this is a perfect gift.
Clayfighters is a series we miss a lot. As a fighting game, yeah, it never had the technical chops of Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, or even Weaponlord, but it made up for it with some top notch humor and originality. Blue Suede Goo was an Elvis impersonator who fell asleep at a carnival only to wake up with fantastic powers after a radioactive meteor crashed into the site. His pompadour is a potent weapon that can slice opponents in half, but his real power lies in the broken notes he sings. Overall, he wasn't the strongest character, but put up against most of the appearances on this list he's damn near the man himself.
Roy Wayne Farris, better know to wrestling fans as the Honky Tonk Man, remains the WWE's longest reigning Intercontinental Champion, and even though he maintains his ridiculous Elvis impersonator gimmick even at 58 years old no one can take that away from him. Despite an indisputable record of wrestling achievement behind him, Farris only appeared in a single wrestling video game, 1988's Wrestlemania for the NES, though he was recently made a downloadable character in WWE All Stars.
Wrestlemania was his only main character appearance in a game, but he was given a strange form of tribute in the Fallout series. New Vegas features a trio named Roy, Wayne, and Farris, and in that same game sharp-eyed gamers will find a painting of Elvis himself near a crashed spaceship.
We've said it before and we'll say it again, licensed video games are a scam to get clueless family and friends to buy unplayable games based on the recipient's love of a certain film or television show. There are plenty of onerous examples, but you'd have to dig real deep to beat Wayne's World.
The levels were designed by Satan, the hit detection sucks, and it makes less sense than a combination breadknife/toilet brush. Case in point, you fight a robotic Elvis as a boss, just as you did in the film. Sometimes we think the reason we never got a third film was that Mike Myers and Dana Carvey didn't want another game this bad to be released in their image.
They just don't make arcade side-scrolling beat-em-ups like they used to. In the old days it was all about Final Fight, Golden Axe, and if you lived in Japan you got to play Battle Circuit. Mini-boss Johnny is a Delete Gang member, obsessed with Elvis, and also completely insane.
For some reason, Johnny is a rocker who makes his home in a disco, and typing that sentence actually just made us understand everything we'll ever need to know about Japanese music. All things considered, he's a pretty minor character, but you have got to dig the man's style. Seems sad that the best tribute Elvis has ever gotten in a video is as a felonious psychopath.
Get the Theater and Arts Newsletter
Exclusive discounts and announcements to Houston theater shows and art events