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Top 5 Ways to Clean Out Your Colon: Detoxing Debunked

Time to clean this thing up!
Time to clean this thing up!

By now you have either disregarded your New Year's resolutions with a long list of very convincing reasons (I actually enjoy being unemployed) or you haven't even started them yet. If cutting back on the excess was on your list of things to do in 2012, it's certainly not too late to start. When we say excess, of course, we aren't talking about all the donations you made in December to local charities. You may be trying to forget the obscene amounts of cookies, cakes and chocolate-covered anything you ate, or the copious amounts of eggnog, cheap Champagne and seasonal beer you consumed, but a liver never forgets. It's detox time!

Detoxing is the process of attempting to rid your body of harmful toxins through seemingly psychotic methods. Many folks swear by them, others think they are nothing but garbage. Regardless, they are on the up and up. According to The New York Times:

A survey by Mintel International, a Chicago-based research firm, found that 54 food and drink products were launched in 2008 with the word "detox" in their descriptions -- up from 15 in 2003.

People are just gaga over the idea that they can clean a year of crap out their bodies, in just a matter of days. It's like Lent, but quicker and with Yelp reviews. One person who loooooves detoxes is the Lady Gwyneth Paltrow, who now hocks her own favored system on her blog GOOP. She is just one of the many celebrities who stand (shakily from lack of food) behind the concept of self-starvation. Houston is also on the detox-tip. Local health food joint Snap Kitchen offers a juice-only one-day kick-start to their 21-day diet.

We are all for quick fixes, but consuming nothing but green liquids all day seems a little nuts to us, and the juice method is probably the most sane of all the detoxes we've found.

Pick your poison err... detox. Art Attack's Top Five Craziest Methods for Cleaning Your Colon.

5. Detox Body Wraps

Top 5 Ways to Clean Out Your Colon: Detoxing Debunked

The Detox Body Wrap is exactly what you think. After applying several salves with natural-sounding names, you wrap your body in large bandages and voilà. Toxins be gone! Additionally, some detox wraps claim that you can lose up to six inches in an hour. If losing inches was as easy as wrapping yourself in a towel and lying around for a while, wouldn't we all be doing this?

4. The Lemon Detox Diet

If it worked for Beyonce, it must be true.
If it worked for Beyonce, it must be true.

The Lemon Detox Diet is a method by many names. The Master Cleanse, The Lemonade Diet, The Way Beyoncé Lost A Bunch of Weight For That Movie. This diet consists of fresh water, pure lemon juice, cayenne pepper, natural maple syrup and that's all, folks. You drink your lemon-maple concoction several times a day for ten days and you can flush your system of the detrimental build-up of toxins and, oh yeah, lose up to 21 pounds. We won't lie, we would totally try this drink, but we would mix it with vodka and call it a detox-cocktail. 3. The Foot Detox Bath

Gross?
Gross?

This process involves placing your feet in a warm "ionized bath." The ionization magic in the bath then draws toxins out of your tootsies and claims to "energize red blood cells and circulation, aid kidney and liver function and boost the immune system." Based on the photos alone, this looks disgusting, but cleansing? We cannot say for sure.   2. Bentonite Bath

What can't this clay do?
What can't this clay do?

Here is what we learned about the Bentonite Bath method:

Soak two to four pounds of bentonite clay in a flat container overnight to dissolve it. Then add this to a tub of water. With two pounds of bentonite you would soak one hour; with four pounds you would soak only about 30 minutes. The more bentonite used, the faster the detoxification. (Note: While bentonite is a great adsorber, it is widely used to seal well-casings and ponds. It would very likely seal many septic systems too, costing thousands to repair. Use sparingly or with caution!)

Okay, so while it may potentially repair the aftermath of your week of eating nothing but cheese balls, it may also destroy your plumbing system? Pass.

1. Colonic Cleanses

Top 5 Ways to Clean Out Your Colon: Detoxing Debunked

There are two ways to perform a colonic cleanse. The easier of the two is to take a series of laxatives masked by holistic names and combine them with minerals and herbs. There are countless numbers of over-the-counter cleanses sold at your local GNC, really, any drugstore will have something. The result is basically lots of bathroom runs (runs, zing!). The second method for sparkling your intestines up is a process of shooting water, sometimes mixed with herbs or other liquids, into your poop chute, which then makes you... well, you get the point. While people seem to do these things on a regular basis, we will admit they both scare us just a little too much.


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