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Top 7 Chainsaw Killers Who Aren't From Texas (With One NSFW Video)

Top 7 Chainsaw Killers Who Aren't From Texas (With One NSFW Video)

My favorite horror film of all time is Texas Chainsaw Massacre for a variety of reasons. First of all, no film has ever had a better name. It's just not possible. Second, it has the perfect formula for a nightmare.

Our villains are utterly human and completely unearthly at the same time. Marilyn Burns keeps almost getting away but is repeatedly recaptured like a person usually is in an endless bad dream. Plus, there's that whole universal fear of cannibalism thing going on, but it's the saw itself that stands tallest I feel.

On a certain level I know that a chainsaw is a perfectly normal tool. My dad has one, and the only thing he murders is his own brain cells with too much Fox News. I know that, but when I see a chainsaw my first thought isn't, "That'd cut right through those dead branches." It's, "Holy shit, someone put a motor on a sword because they have grown bored with conventional murder.

That said, I don't think Texas should hog all the fun, and that's why today we celebrate Leatherface's fellow disciples of the saw. These disciples shall number seven to reflect the seven Chainsaw Massacre films.

See also: The 10 Horror Films You Must See to be a Well-Rounded Film Fan

Ashley Williams: Any talk of awesome masters of the saw must begin with Ash from Evil Dead and Army of Darkness. He famously amputates his hand when it becomes possessed by demons, and replaces it with a chainsaw. Nonetheless, even though he uses it as a new freakin' appendage, Ash never really rises above mediocre in the saw arts, preferring his boomstick and later a traditional sword to fight the Deadites.

Top 7 Chainsaw Killers Who Aren't From Texas (With One NSFW Video)

Rancid: Mortal Kombat got all the hype, but Time Killers was way more bloody than the more famous game ever was, allowing you to start cutting off opponents' limbs during the actual match. The standout character was Rancid, a chainsaw-wielding punk from 2024 who was on the run after being accused of a grisly set of murders. I always liked him because he looked like Egon from the Ghostbusters cartoon had gone nuts.

Chuck Green: While Rancid sticks with the straight-forward approach of chainsaw technique, the protagonist of Dead Rising 2 is more... innovative in his approach. Honorable combatants may favor the two chainsaws attached to a paddle for that Shaolin bo style, but for me nothing beats the infamous chainsaw bike.

Our lawyers have asked me to remind our readers that in the event the dead do rise, this will not actually work and you will die... badly. Just watch the video. It's less hurtful that way.

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Patrick Bateman: Though not overly dedicated to the chainsaw as a murder weapon, Bateman is the sole known master of the long-distance chainsaw kill. Granted, he has gravity on his side when he takes out his victim, but the feat alone is impressive enough to warrant him a place on the list until a Doom game invents a gun that shoots chainsaws.

See also: Jason Voorhees: Dark Christ Figure?

Fin Shepherd: Also worth mentioning in the field of improbable dexterity is the one and only surfer/badass supreme Fin Shepherd from the cult hit Sharknado which in case you didn't see it was basically what would happen if "It's Raining Men" was secretly about Jaws. I could describe this scene, but I fervently believe that any critic attempting to portray any aspect of Sharknado with mere words deserves to be beaten to death with a dictionary. You'll just have to watch the vid.

The Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers: Now, when I tell you that no film can ever be more ridiculously awesome than Sharknado, I'm lying. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers takes more piss out of the movie industry than the Los Angeles sewer system. It's technically a noir mystery, but when you start talking about an ancient Egyptian chainsaw cult then you've died and gone to Satire Heaven. It is also the most quotable film you've never seen.

Detective: And then what happened.

Hooker: I took out a sexual enhancement device.

Detective: Puts a chainsaw on the table. Was this it?

Hooker: Yes!

Oh, and Gunnar Hansen is the head priest of the chainsaw cult, because of course he is.

Michael Tso and Fai, The Hitman: To find the true chainsaw master warriors, though, you have to go to Hong Kong where Conan Lee and Gordon Liu (Pai Me from Kill Bill) duked it out in the ultimate chainsaw kung fu fight to the death in 1988's Tiger on Beat. That has to be a mistranslation. There's no way this scene exists in a movie and they didn't call the movie something like Chainsaw Duel. I refuse to believe it.

What follows is two straight minutes of bloody combat that has never and will never be equaled in the realm of chainsaw murder. If these two mortal enemies could put aside their differences they could easily take out the entire rest of the list as well as the original Leatherface family with enough saw left over to sculpt a giant middle finger out of ice. I'm sorry, but the score is Texas 1, Hong Kong EVERYTHING!

Jef has a new story, a tale of headless strippers and The Rolling Stones, available now in Broken Mirrors, Fractured Minds. You can also connect with him on Facebook.


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