Top 7 Worst Musicians in Movies About Musicians: Don't Quit Your Day Job (Or Do!).
The Spice Girls circa 1997
Tonight, the Alamo Drafthouse in Mason Park is bringing to the screen one of the most abysmal movies of all time, Spice World. For those of you smart enough to have forgotten about this calamity of a flick, it stars '90s one-hit wonders: the Spice Girls. For those of you smart enough to have forgotten the Spice Girls, good on you.
When the movie was released in 1997, the Spice Girls were the biggest pop sensation on the planet. Their hit single "Wannabe" was at the top of the pop charts for seven weeks and number one in 31 different countries. So, naturally, making a movie was a good idea for the ladies.
Spice World is more or less a movie about the Spice Girls as they prepare for their big concert at Royal Albert Hall amidst a bombardment of meddling Hollywood types trying to cash in on the good girl's fame and fortune. Hilarity ensues.
Spice World is just one of the myriad of examples of musicians (used loosely) who think they can act. But Spice World falls into an even more restricted category of musicians who can't act, but want to be in a movie so they make a movie about being a musician. It's a not just a cop out, but it is also typically a huge catastrophe.
We were reminded of a choice few.
The Top 7 Worst Musicians in Movies About Musicians: Don't Quit Your Day Job (or do!).
7. Mariah Carey, Glitter
In Glitter , Carey plays an adult foster child, who dreams of becoming a star. She winds up singing back up vocals for (shocker!) a horrible singer and is asked to sing lead vocals. The movie follows the ups and downs of Carrey's character as she intermingles her successes with thugs and hardship, while singing her pain away with hit singles.
Carey is not a bad actress. Her acting in the movie Precious is superb, but for some reason she didn't shine in Glitter.
6.Britney Spears, Crossroads
Crossroads finds a prudish Brit Brit and her two messed-up gal-pals traveling to Los Angeles for a record contract audition! Britney is not destined to be the star of this girl-group, however, when the girls just happen find themselves in the middle of a karaoke joint (that pays?), the main singer gets stage fright and Britney has to step in singing to save the day. There is only one reason to see this movie and sadly it's an excuse that can no longer be used: You are in college, you want to cut class, but have no real reason, Crossroads is playing, you have 40s.
5. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone, On The Line
You know how the old joke goes: Two of the guys from N'Sync, who were the least popular members of the group decide to make a movie... oh, it's not a joke at all. Bass and Fatone star in this romantic comedy about a guy who meets a girl on train and then spends the rest of the movie trying to find her. He and his roommate, Fatone an aspiring musician, put up billboards all over town to find the love of Bass's life. Everything ends on a high note, Bass gets the girl and Fatone gets a recording contract from Richie Sambora. It still sounds like a joke, but it's not. 4. Anything With Madonna
Madonna started her film career playing a singer in a nightclub in the movie Vision Quest . She didn't do too much damage and was deemed acceptable to ruin films for the next two decades: Shanghai Surprise , Who's That Girl , The Next Best Thing , Swept Away and the list goes on. There is not one movie in particular where she plays a singer just like herself, the closest would be Breathless Mahoney in Dick Tracy . She is just always singing in movies or making soundtracks for movies that she stars in. When will the world understand that she is a terrible actress and she should stick to what she does best: yoga? 3. Kid n' Play, House Party 2: Pajama Jam
Why House Party 2 ? Because House Party one, despite very poor acting on the part of both Kid and Play, is an excellent movie. Done.
House Party 2, on the other hand, highlights everything that was wrong with pop-rap in the early 1990s. Loud clothing, people with names like "B-Fine" and "Chill," crazy, coordinated dancing and Tony! Toni! Tone! as a band to be taken seriously.
2. Vanilla Ice, Cool as Ice
We feel for Vanilla Ice. The guy was huge and now he's a laughing stock. That can't feel good, and it completely warrants his bizarre behavior over the years. But we cannot forgive Cool as Ice , the movie in which V-Ice plays a reckless, motorcycle-riding rapper. That was a bad idea. Everyone seemed to think this way as Cool as Ice was nominated for seven Razzie Awards in 1992, including Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Vanilla Ice), Worst Director, Worst New Star (Kristin Minter), Worst Screenplay and Worst Original Song ("Cool as Ice") with Vanilla Ice winning Worst New Star.
1. Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini, From Justin to Kelly
In this Back to the Beach remake, Clarkson is a rootin' tootin, singing waitress who falls for the afrolicious Guarini. There's singing and dancing and sand and surf and none of it is good at all. At all. And it takes place in Florida.
Spice World is playing Thursday, January 12 at 7 p.m. at the Alamo Drafthouse - Mason Park, 531 South Mason Road, Katy, TX 77450. For more information visit drafthouse.com
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