Top Five: Inanimate Objects That Deserve a Horror Movie

If you see only one movie in 2011, see the final Harry Potter flick. However, if you see two movies, you gotta see


. The film is the story of a tire with psychic, explodey-head powers that goes on a murderous rampage. Nothing in that last sentence is made up!


debuted at Cannes this year, where half the audience booed and the other half howled in delight. We'll be seeing it on Video on Demand here starting February 25, and there'll be a limited theatrical release on, we shit thee not, April Fool's Day.

Hopefully, Robert's tale--did we mention the tire's name was Robert?--will usher in a whole new genre of horror film, one that we henceforth christen Junkxploitation! In that spirit, here are five inanimate objects we think should totally murder people in future cinematic endeavors.

Top Five: Inanimate Objects That Deserve a Horror Movie

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5. Coffee Cups Coffee is one of those things that has become almost totemic in modern society. Starbucks reigns like a conquistador, and there are people who simply cannot do without the brown caffeinated ambrosia. But the containers of this obsession are usually thrown away without even a thank you.

The horrifying revolution starts small. Led by a charismatic venti container, the cups of the world begin quietly emptying themselves when unobserved. The whole populace becomes very sleepy, and less alert. Finally, the word is given, and armed with scalding hot concotions the cups begin the murder of the human race by scalding their masters to death. A few humans are kept alive as slave labor to create more cups, farm the coffee bean fields, and work as baristas. As the film closes, you see the cup leader commanding a giant cup tower, with the intent of spilling on God!


4. A Jar of Olives Confession time, we find jars of olives to be incredibly sinister looking. We don't mind olives with martinis, and the olive bar holds no real horror for us. We just think the jars look like they're filled with little dead people.

One jar is evil, and on a cold winter night, it psychically locks a group of people in a giant Wal-Mart. People are hunted through the aisles as the jar uses a variety of goods to decapitate, eviscerate, eradicate, and whatever the technical term is for "beating someone to death with a Dora the Explorer Discovery Tea Set." Its nefarious plot is undone when someone bumps into the shelf and the jar tumbles to the floor, shattering and spraying olives in every direction.


3. Muzak Muzak isn't technically an object (Anymore than it's technically music), but just hear us out. Imagine if muzak could actively follow you around, or worse, infect you like a plague virus. Whenever you came into contact with any object capable of receiving a signal and producing sound, the muzak suddenly came blaring out at full volume.

Those infected would be shunned, and eventually hunted by a fearful populace. The ostracization, as well as the awful noise, would eventually drive the infected into murderous rages, and a light jazz apocalypse would descend upon the world.


2. A Paper Airplane Folded up one day and thrown from the roof of a high-rise apartment building, the airplane rides the air currents observing the human race below. It doesn't take long for the airplane to become disgusted with us and vow our destruction. Diving from nowhere, it slices throats open, drives people into the paths of oncoming cars, and drills straight into the eye sockets of its victims.

Flamethrowers are wielded in an attempt to ward off the evil paper airplane, and careless users quickly set the city ablaze. Thrown high on the thermal air, the airplane watches the city burn, then heads off into the night to search for new prey.


Top Five: Inanimate Objects That Deserve a Horror Movie

1. Your Old Mixtape Remember cassettes, kids? We sure do. We remember when making a mixtape was a long, drawn out process akin to actually creating music. This was especially true when you went the extra mile romantically and made a tape for a loved one. Well, what if that loved one never got over you boinking her sister on her birthday? What if she killed herself years later when you and the cheating sister got married? The poor tape, now alone and infused with all the hatred of a broken heart, crawls itself on its ribbony innards to find and punish you.

Like a lo-fi Cthulhu, it uses its tentacles to murder everyone you love, saving you for last. When cornered, it pops itself into a cassette player (where it finds one we'll never know), and all those love songs you put together drive you to suicide by smashing your head through the TV screen.

Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.

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