Sony's new 3-D TV commercial has been airing non-stop. The TV is so powerful, it can turn Peyton Manning into a cardboard cutout (maybe that's why the Texans did so well last week). As of now, ladies and gentlemen, if you own a TV, you now need to clarify that it's 2-D. The world won't let you confuse other people about the clarity of your TV's picture.
Remember the friend that kept telling you the game just isn't the same, that once you go HD you can never go back? Well, it's time for him to upgrade. So you're thinking ... 3-D television? The world's three-dimensional, and you watch TV to escape from the world, so what's the point? That's for Sony to decide. If Justin Timberlake says so, it must be true, right? Some things might be cool in 3-D, but there's a total downside. Here are the five most terrifying prospects in 3-D television.
5. Jersey Shore People with a love for golden chests and miserable hairstyles/lifestyle choices will experience the Shore like never before. Fans will enjoy doing virtual Jaeger shots and ogling the parade of six-pack-abs until... the tanning scene. The 3-D TV's brightness calibration isn't meant to handle so much orange. The golden glow of worthlessness will break the TV and earn the family a trip to the eye doctor.
4. Dancing with the Stars The millions of husbands forced to watch Dancing with the Stars in 2-D suddenly won't be able to handle it in 3-D. Their respect meter for Rick Fox (already compromised) will explode, and they will deflate in reverse-roid-rage. Wives will become disenchanted with David Hasselhoff when his face is brought to life just inches from their eyes. Standard definition really smoothes out the aging process, but now you could climb right into those wrinkles.
3. House 911 will be overloaded with millions of calls from people claiming Hugh Laurie is ransacking their medicine cabinets (while being unbearably snarky). Laurie's perfect American accent will be just as gratifying in 3-D.
2. The Office Rendered in 3-D realism, viewers will realize The Office is profoundly depressing after already spending enough time dealing with actual awkward people in the actual workplace. They start watching Dancing with the Stars instead (mistake).
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1. Mad Men Having your house transformed into a stylish 60's paradise would be terrible, right? And a life-size Christina Hendricks would just suck. KIDDING!
1. (Really) Glee Anybody that's content to allow misfit teens (who deal with their problems by installing auto-tune in their vocal chords and hiring back-up bands to follow them around covering Journey) run amok life-size in their home probably already host a glee-club. Spare the rest of us.