Topless Movie Reviews: Sure, Why Not? (Very NSFW)

Topless Movie Reviews: Sure, Why Not? (Very NSFW)
Monica Fuentes

Back in February, the website Topless Movie Reviews went live with its first video, with porn star Tyler Faith reviewing the film I Am Number Four. Yes, these are film reviewers, around a minute long, by topless porn actresses. The videos are only not safe for work because of the nudity, which isn't over the line, unless your find large, fake breasts as worse than normal, non-working breasts. But still, bro, topless chicks talking about movies.

Some of the actresses don't even have the decency to stay topless on camera the whole time, like Melina Mason. I mean if I was a hot chick, and if I was woman I would be hot, naturally, I would totally be topless the whole time.

Of course the reviews don't go much farther than "loved it" or "hated it," with Miss Faith giving the Easter-Bunny-eating-shit family comedy Hop an 8 out of 10. Buxom Welsh porn star Sophie Dee only gave it a 7 but that was because her and star Russell Brand are like, from the same island in Europe. Most of these reviews look like they were filmed in the afternoon after lunch time. I think I even heard a baby laugh in one video.

Sophie Dee really enjoyed Fast Five.
Sophie Dee really enjoyed Fast Five.

Don't expect any reviews of art-house fare or Blu-Ray retrospectives of El Topo. There will be no comparing of a film to the works of Sam Peckinpah or longing for the steely lense-craft of Wally Pfister and Janusz Kamiński.

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As far as most online film reviewing goes, from sweaty guys in their media rooms with the glare a computer screen on their eyeglasses, this is a step up, or a step down, depending on your prudishness. What's crazy is that there is no guard on the site, so your average pubescent teenager can not only get his fill of nipple-dangling, he can also find out whether or not Priest is a good date flick.

Sophie ended up giving The Hangover Part II a 9 out of 10, and she did mention Bradley Cooper as being "sexy as hell," just like every other woman in America. And apparently even her boobs gave the film a 9. She also went and saw Fast Five, she saidtwice even, giving it a 10 because it has vrooms-vrooms and chicks love vroom-vrooms.

If women can do this, why can't us guys have shirtless or even bottomless film reviews? Who wouldn't want to see a hairy naked man in a dimly-lit room, his wedding tackle sitting there lifeless and inert, telling you how Cowboys & Aliens is just Wild Wild West, but with James Bond.


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