Yippy Ki-Yay: 5 Things to Help You Make Your Work Day into an Action Movie
Every day in Art Attack's life is a nonstop thrill ride of epic proportions. It's fast cars, beautiful women, time travel, international intrigue, Subway sandwiches, zombies and partners who are getting too old for this shit. Or, you know, at least one of those.
So maybe we don't live every day like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. You could pretend, though, right? Most of us drag ourselves into work every morning simply because it is the best place to fantasize about all the adventure you could be having if you weren't at work. Well, the good news for you, friends and enemies, is that we can replicate an action movie for you every day with some very simple and, in many cases, easily affordable products and services.
Go to your mirror, and practice your snappy comebacks and world-weary utterances. We'll wait. Okay, back? Good, here we go.
What better way to wake up each day than knowing that you and all you love could be ended in an explosion with just one mistake? Well, after speaking very carefully with a lawyer, one man has made a (non-functioning) time bomb alarm clock for you to get the action movie day off on the right foot.
The clock has all your normal features, but it also has a big red button. Pushing the button starts a countdown, and only by cutting or pulling out the correct wire will a (fake) detonation be prevented. Two wires are duds, one automatically triggers the (false) boom and one saves the day. Even more fun, the wires are randomized with each push so the game keeps changing.
You can also get a more modern plastic explosive model.
Now that you've successfully foiled your enemies' attempt to kill you with high explosives, it's time to shower, shave, kiss the wife and kid, and head on out to work. However, the forces of evil are not just going to sit idly by while you almost undo their life's work with your perfectly filed TPS report. They're going to give chase. What do you do?
Well, luckily for you there are plenty of places like the Rick Seamans Stunt Driving School where you can learn to outmaneuver the most awesome of villains for less than $3,000. Unfortunately for us Texans, most are located in California (near the movie studios, obviously), but you shouldn't let that stand in the way of preparing for your imminent attack by our country's vilest opponents.
Maybe you don't have time to go to California, or maybe you are actually worried about the inevitable civilian casualties that will be incurred in your high-tension chase through downtown. You want something with a little more flash to it, and we have just the thing.
For less than what you paid for your car, you can put together a working jetpack. That's right, the power of the gods can be yours... for like a minute because seriously, that's all the fuel you're really going to be able to carry. Still, it's a little late at this point to be worried about logistics, isn't it?
The finest in Spanish cinema
You've foiled the bomb, evaded pursuit and now are calmly chatting up the redhead in accounting. Now you just need the second act to get under way. What you need is for someone to provide you with bad guys, and what do you know? As long as you're in Spain that can be had, too!
Escuela de Especialistas de Cine will be happy to give your company the full action movie treatment as a "character building exercise." Employees are generally trucked out to various locations rather than having them suddenly attack your office, but they do offer an amazing range of packages with help from some of the finest minds in Spanish cinema. Want to pretend your office was thrown back in time? Pick the medieval or western option. How about a Yakuza war? No problemo.
That movie thing sounds like it might be fun, but what if you really are being attacked by terrorists while you do things that office people do (Something with paperclips or Y2K, right? We have no idea, really)? What you need is real preparation, and in Texas that only means one thing.
Behold the briefcase machine gun from Heckler & Koch. You don't even have to take it out of the briefcase. The trigger is built right into the handle. One minute you're just a mild-mannered worker cooperating with the terrorists' demands, and the next you are a wingtipped Rambo mowing down the bad guys.
Should you need to reload, that's okay. Just use the cover of your bulletproof clipboard.