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Your Guide to Doctor Who Sex Toys (NSFW)

Your Guide to Doctor Who Sex Toys (NSFW)

I am very proud of the fact that some of my most-read articles here on Art Attack have to do with my endless fascination with Doctor Who, and all the frustrated fanboyishness that I channel into prose as the series returns on March 30 and the 50th Anniversary gets that much closer. For the most part, I love my job and the whole Who fan community.

But sometimes you guys send me the most bizarre things in fan mail... like for instance links to Doctor Who sex toys. Then I foolishly mention this to an editor. Then she makes me find more so I can have an article about it. Then I drink. A lot. Well, if it has to be shoved into my head I'm going to shove it right into yours, so strap in because it's anywhere in perverted time, anywhere in perverted space. Where do you want to start?

Your Guide to Doctor Who Sex Toys (NSFW)

Kristen over at the Toymaker Project is the mind behind the TARDIS Tickler, a silicon dildo featuring a tiny TARDIS suspended in the middle. The shimmery outer layer is meant to represent the time vortex that the TARDIS flies through, which actually makes this a pretty interesting artistic statement.

As an actual sex toy, the Tickler leaves something to be desired. The TARDIS inside is a painted pewter model of a police box, and its sharp edges apparently do a number on the silicon sheath that would certainly not benefit any from regular use. The last thing you want to do is end up in a hospital trying to explain why a tiny time machine is lodged in one of your orifices.

Kristen isn't selling these, but the instructions for making one appear fairly simple, and she is planning on publishing a detailed how-to guide one of these days. It can't be any harder than creating your own Doctor Who version of the Guess Who game.

Now this next bit is going to sound utterly inconceivable to anyone who has spent any amount of time on the Internet, but there's not really any such thing as a Sonic Screwdriver vibrator. I know, I was absolutely shocked as well. There's a chess set that doubles as a masturbation aid, and an official Hello Kitty "shoulder massager", but the most obvious joke in the geek universe apparently does not exist.

A horny fan named Thea Roe wasn't going to put up with this absence of the Time Lords tool to flick her bean with. She contacted Geek Kink on Etsy (We'll get to them in a minute) about maybe crafting her one since nerdtastic things for your genitals are their raison d'être. They thoughtfully took a regular Tenth Doctor Sonic Screwdriver toy, inserted a vibrator into it, and suddenly it can open the locked door to your screaming, David Tennant-inspired orgasm.

 

Your Guide to Doctor Who Sex Toys (NSFW)

Oh, and if you want one yourself feel free to get in touch with Geek Kink. Just know that like Roe, a reporter might stumble upon the page dedicated to it and put you in an article.

I did contact Geek Kink for a picture of the vibrator, first assuring them that Doctor Who, sex toys, and bizarre crap on Etsy were actual parts of my job and that I wasn't just some weirdo looking for geeky sex toy pictures. Allen from the Geek Kink Labs responded...

"You have what is easily the most strange and wonderfully specific specialty as a reporter. That is coming from someone who spends eight hours every day making BDSM sex toys for nerds, so congratulations on that accomplishment."

He also told me that since the vibrator was just the licensed toy internally modified no picture was really going to do it justice. Then he directed me to the wonderful world of Doctor Who-inspired BDSM. There's the TARDIS paddle pictured above. If you're in a more evil mood, they also make a Dalek one, or perhaps you would prefer the Sonic Screwdriver riding crop. Basically, if you want to make sweaty Doctor-flavored love, contact Allen and tell him Jef sent you.

Finally, no there isn't a Doctor Who porn parody... there are TWO Doctor Who porn parodies. The best-known and better one is Doctor Screw, starring Mark Sloan as the lecherous version of the Ninth Doctor, and Elle Brook as his companion Holly. As you can see from the trailer up there, it had some pretty good production values for a porno. I've seen actual classic Who episodes that didn't have special effects that good. Plus the idea of blow-up dolls as Autons is a really good idea that probably only hasn't made it into a regular episode because they'd never get away with it.

More ridiculous, is Doctor Loo And The Phaleks, with the award-winning Alicia Rhodes as Dr. Louise Flangebatter. She travels through space and time in a highly advanced toilet called the TURDIS, and it pretty much goes downhill from there. The puns are more painful than going in dry, but at least you have some better sex talent in the form of Rhodes and Donna Marie as the leader of the Phaleks, Lady Sodomi.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, the Daleks had their own porn special as well, Abducted by the Daleks, which the BBC sued into oblivion. I thought that was weird since they didn't seem to have any problem when companion actress Katy Manning got naked with a Dalek for Girl Illustrated, but whatever. The film followed the mainstay Doctor Who villains as they stripped and interrogated a group of girls using settings on their stalks you'd never see in the show. The girls, of course, get totally into it and start making out, but the Daleks kill them anyway because, you know, Daleks.

The DVD used to be very hard to find since the BBC rounded up whatever they could, even after they tried to re-release it under the name Abducted by the Daploids. Now it seems you can get a Region 1 DVD for only $12.95. Or if you'd like, Mandy Tonks did a great (And explicit) scene by scene breakdown for you. Either way, you should know the kind of search history that would make Captain Jack blush.


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