A Little Too Ironic

What's this guy got to do with baseball? Good question.

My name is John. And I'm an addict. No, I'm not addicted to anything glamorous like

alcohol

. Or

drugs

. Or

sex

. Or

gambling

. No, I'm addicted to the blogs written by the

Houston Chronicle

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sports writers.

Now, I know that this addiction is a bad thing. Whenever I read these blogs, my blood pressure soars. My ulcers start to ache. I get angry. I have migraines. I feel the need to seek vengeance. But I just can't help myself. Every day I go over to the Chronicle Web site so that I can see if Richard Justice is calling me an idiot . Or to see if John Lopez is pimping his radio show. It's an addiction. I can't help myself.

But I'm not writing about them today. Today, I want to direct my wrath to one Jose de Jesus Ortiz, the Astros beat writer. Jesus also has a blog. And it's like a car wreck at which I've just got to stop and rubberneck. Especially late last week.

Now, Jesus, if you're reading, I just want you to remember this little line of Nick Lowe's: "Baby, you've gotta be cruel to be kind."

So, Jesus, it's gonna appear that I'm being cruel, but...

Last Wednesday, while using his blog to give what he thought the Astros final roster decisions would be, Jesus decided to veer into the political, stating that he didn't care what Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez had done, he deserved his support because he was a baseball fan who came from nothing.

Ortiz states that he doesn't understand the politics of the situation, but that he's disturbed that many of Gonzalez's friends have abandoned him in this time of need. Ortiz writes that a friend in need is a friend indeed, and that he's deserving of support because he's a friend — well, that's a bit of paraphrase. It doesn't matter what Gonzalez might have done. He's an Astros fan. He's deserving of support.

Yeah, I don't quite understand the logic either, but there it is. And, you know what, while I find Ortiz to be misinformed, and actually ignorant of what's going on in the world, if that is the opinion that he wants to hold, fine. There is a basic rightness to his argument that friends should not be abandoned in times of need.

Now, Alanis Morissette might not understand the meaning of irony, but I do. And Jesus, don't you think it's ironic that, having offered Alberto Gonzalez your unwavering support, you decided to attack St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa and the people of St. Louis?

For those of you not in the know, early last Thursday morning, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was busted for DUI. That Thursday afternoon, La Russa managed the Cardinals spring training game. Before the game, La Russa was greeted with applause by the fans.

Thursday night, Ortiz, who wasn't even at that game, decided he needed to comment. He calls La Russa an embarrassment and a hypocrite, primarily because La Russa has been seen wearing a PETA shirt — yeah, once again I don't get the connection. Then Ortiz goes after the Cardinal fans. He calls them morons, and he is clearly disgusted by their behavior, stating: "Why would you give somebody a rousing ovation just hours after he was arrested on charges of a crime that could have potentially led to the death of multiple folks."

So, La Russa should be condemned for his actions, and the fans should be condemned for showing some support for La Russa.

But, here comes the irony, and, Jesus, remember, I hate to be cruel to be kind, but...

There's a bit of a problem in these items that you've been writing. You see, if anyone's a hypocrite, it's you. According to you, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez deserves unwavering support because he's a good guy, and those who are to be condemned are those so-called friends who have deserted him in a time of need. But, Tony La Russa is slime who does not deserve support, and those who are to be condemned are those who have not deserted him.

I'm not condoning drunk driving. But let me see if I understand Ortiz's argument correctly:

Condone torture, approve unwarranted wiretaps, fire prosecutors for pursing Republican corruption, lie to Congress -- you deserve unwavering support, especially if you're a baseball fan. Drive drunk -- you are not worthy of support, and your supporters are morons, especially if you're the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think, that if anyone's the hypocrite, Jesus, it's you? Because, you see, I'm willing to wager lots of money that Alberto Gonzalez will be responsible for the deaths of more innocent people this year than will Tony La Russa. If there's anyone who's undeserving of unwavering support, it's Alberto Gonzalez. Perhaps those friends who you condemn for abandoning him are doing so because he's committed acts that will harm this country. And while Tony La Russa did drive drunk, he has apologized. Something which your pal and Astros fan Alberto has failed to do.

Yes, I've gone on too long. But Jesus, you've got to get your act together. You write a sports blog. You write a blog about the Astros. So write about the Astros. And, if you're going to go off topic, make sure of your facts. And don't go contradicting yourself from post to post.

Now if I can just do something about Justice calling me an idiot. -- John Royal

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