Boy Oh Roy!

The Walt Disney Company/Buena Vista Pictures
Now here's a pirate that Pittsburgh should sign.

Last night your Houston Astros took on the clunky Pittsburgh Pirates, in a game that promised to be an easy win. But a 14-1 rout? Aw, hell yeah! Clearly these Pirates needed Johnny Depp. Laugh not, scurvy dog: According to reports, he's available.

Sports fans know that beating up on an inferior team isn't what makes a win like this so rewarding (well, sometimes it is). No, it's that when the Astros play like this, they show glimpses of that playoff team that went World last year. Furthermore, with all due respect to our esteemed catcher, you know it's a great game when Brad Ausmus gets on base.

It's hard to call the best play. Was it Craig Biggio's ding, proving why he's one of the best old guys to ever play the game? Or was it Jason Lane (or as Minute Maid Park announcer Bob Ford calls him, "JAsonLAAANE!") settling into a sleepy sixth inning -- with the team up 12-1 — and blasting a two-run homer that went damn near out of the park? Maybe it was Aubrey Huff going yard twice, capping a night in which he knocked in six RBIs. (We'll say it again: We knew this guy was gonna be freaking good.)

Strike that. The best play of the night was ace Roy Oswalt's first career homer. (Displaying their classic brand of tomfoolery and high jinks, the guys were completely silent when Roy entered the dugout after rounding the bases. Oh, 'Stros, you so kuh-ray-zee.) What else can you say about Oswalt? Not only does the guy have a cannon arm, but he also offers run support. He pitches six winning innings and hits a home run? Hey, why not trade him?

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We keed, we keed. Actually, word is that Astros brass is already in preliminary talks with Bob Garber, Roy O's agent, about a long-term deal. (Oh, sure, now.) We're guessing Garber's input will be something like, "Yes, you may belatedly sign my client long-term. Just be prepared to pay out the ass. Have a nice day, chumps!" We're no Jerry Maguire, but that's what we'd be saying.

Anyhoo, the 'Stros clocked in 14 runs (which ties a team record) and six homers. No, it wasn't against the St. Louis Cardinals, but it was a win. A durn good one. We'll see if the home team can bring it like that against the swashbucklers today.

Sighting of the night: A nun in T-shirt and headdress, seriously working over a cup of frozen lemonade. It's the simple pleasures, really. — Steven Devadanam

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