It Had to Happen Sooner or Later

Editor's note: Why the hell not?

Okay, here’s something that I haven’t written in awhile:

ASTROS WIN! ASTROS WIN! ASTROS WIN!

(Before I go further, I'd like to ask my editor if there's any legitimate reason out there to link to a picture of Ashley Judd again. It sure made yesterday’s post worth reading – or at least looking at.)

So, on with the game.

Apparently, the Cincinnati Reds remembered that they are, after all, the Cincinnati Reds and decided to play like it.

Last night’s final was 10-2. Woody Williams, who was barely able to make it through five innings, got the win. And wait, what’s this? Lance Berkman actually got an extra base hit? A home run? Wow. So it just barely cleared Ken Griffey, Jr.’s glove. It still landed in the stands.

And Craig Biggio is three hits closer to 3,000. God, I wish he’d hurry up. I’m sick of all of the sponsored hit counts that I hear on the sports stations.

To further show how amazing last night’s game was, Adam Everett and Brad Ausmus actually got base hits. Yeah, in the same game. I know, it’s, like, amazing. And get this: Ausmus’ hit was a triple. Yeah, the catcher got a triple.

So, I watched the game on television. Did anybody listen to the radio? Did Milo Hamilton go into multiple orgasms? How does that hack still have a job?

And, for the last amazing stat: Rick White, Brad Lidge, Dave Borkowski and Brian Moehler each pitched one inning, and none of them gave up a run. It’s nice to see the number 9, 10, 11, and 12 pitchers on the roster actually make a contribution.

The Astros finish out the month of May with a record 12-17, and the record for the season is 22-31. And just because it’s so much fun to pick on him, I’ve got to note that Jesus Ortiz had the Astros going 16-13 for May, with an overall record of 31-23. Wow, he’s not even close to being right. And for any of you out there who no longer have a copy of the Chron’s baseball preview at hand, just let me tell you that he’s got the Astros going 18-9 in June.

In June, the Astros play a lot of the games with the AL West. That includes the surprising Seattle Mariners, the terrific-pitching Oakland A’s, the good-pitching Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of United States of North America of Western Hemisphere of Earth. There’s also a series in Chicago against the all-pitch, no-hit White Sox. On the plus side, there are six games with the Colorado Rockies and three with the Rangers (and the Silver Boot’s at stake, and we all know how pumped the Astros get over the Silver Boot). And if the Astros are ever going to be for real, they’ve got three games at the end of the month against the Brewers to prove it.

(Speaking of the three games against the Rangers: I notice one of the games is currently set for a 2:55 start time. Have you guys ever been to Arlington in June? Do you know how fucking hot it gets? Does Fox really think that anybody in the country’s going to care about the Astros/Rangers? Hell, I’m sure the Cubs/Sox and Yankees/Mets will be playing, put them on then. Let the few fans that are actually going to attend this game have some chance of enjoying it.)

Now, I don’t like to make number predictions, but let’s see, I’ll say the team goes 14-15 with the A’s and Angels sweeping the ‘Stros. And all of you can come make fun of me come the start of July.

Despite the win, the Astros are still in fifth place.

The Astros will close out the first third of the season tonight when Roy Oswalt gets the start in the first of a three game series with the Cardinals. So, I’ll talk to all of you next week.—John Royal

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