New Code of Conduct for NFL Fans

Yes, yes, I know that football season is starting. Yes, yes, I know the Houston Texans are actually supposed to be a decent team this year, and yes, yes, I know that Mario Williams is actually supposed to a good player. But I’ll tell you something: I don’t care. Call me when September rolls around and the Texans are playing some real games.

Then I’ll care. But until then, nope.

I know there are you people out there who think football is the be all and end all of your life. Training camp bores the hell out of me. I think four exhibition games are about four too many.

However, I am aware that the Texans are playing a football game on Saturday night. I promise that I’ll try and watch at least one quarter, and I’ll try to have a post on it for Monday since the Texans are playing the Broncos and this will probably be a good chance to get see what other failed Denver players they’ll be adding to the Texans roster during the season.

But seeing as how there’s a game here on Saturday, I thought that I would alert some of you fans to something very, very important. In case you didn’t know, the NFL is implementing a new code of conduct for this season. It’s not for the players, though, it’s for you. Yep, that’s right, while the NFL still can’t control its players or coaches or owners, it has decided to try and control you, the fan.

So before you get drunk while tailgating on Saturday night, you might want to remember this list of things which will not be tolerated by the NFL:

1. Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal in nature (no asking the cheerleaders to show you their tits)

2. Intoxication or other signs of alcohol impairment that results in irresponsible behavior (so maybe you shouldn’t get drunk while tailgating)

3. Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures (perhaps you should find some other way of displaying your displeasure at Gary Kubiak’s ability to throw the replay flag on all of the wrong plays)

4. Interference with the progress of the game (including throwing objects onto the field, but there’s nothing to prevent you from throwing emtpy $8.00 beer bottles at Bob McNair’s luxury suite)

5. Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel (yes, that includes the dweeb with the walkie-talkie checking the ticket stubs because some moron decided not to arrive at the game until the third quarter)

6. Verbal or physical harassment of opposing team fans (now, I’m still seeking clarification for this rule because I really don’t think that this rule should apply to people wearing Cowboys, Titans, Steelers, Colts or Patriots jerseys at a Texans game).

If you get caught violating these rules, you are subject to ejection from the game without the benefit of a refund, and you are also subject to a potential loss of ticket privileges for future games. I somehow don’t think the future revocation of tickets scam will apply to those rich assholes in the luxury boxes or anyone sitting in the lower level of the stadium; however, if you’re one of those suckers sitting on the top row of the upper deck, you’re history.

And I’d like to add a little advice: if you should get in trouble at a game, and they threaten to kick you out, mention lawsuit, because, to be truthful, these so-called rules are all rather subjective. Telling some asshole in a Vince Young Tennessee Titans jersey that he bleeped his mother is not verbal harassment, it’s truth telling. And refusing to follow some dweeb’s advice to go to your proper seat isn’t failing to follow the instructions of stadium personnel, it’s a lesson for the prick trying to get to his seat that maybe, just maybe, he should actually arrive at his seat for the kickoff of the game, not the kickoff of the second half. And if they should get on you for being drunk, maybe you should ask why it is they allow tailgating for four hours prior to the game, and why it is they sell alcohol in the stadium.

I think you get the drift. These rules are going to be hard to enforce – if they try to enforce them in Oakland there will be no one in the stands. Besides, from the few times I’ve been in attendance at a Texans game, I don’t really think there’s anything to worry about, because the people who go to Texans games only do what the guys on the scoreboard tell them to do.

So I hope you enjoy attending Saturday’s game. And remember, fans, let’s be careful out there. – John Royal


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