Spring Training: Draft Dennis Quaid!

It’s no secret that I think the Astros' starting pitching sucks. But thanks to a New York Yankee signing on Tuesday, I think I’ve come up with just the answer to the team’s rotation problems.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new number two starter for the Houston Astros.

Yep, Dennis Quaid.

No, I’m not kidding. Did you see what that radar gun clocked for the speed of his fastball? Roy Oswalt can’t even get it up to that speed. This could be quite a decent rotation now. Move Backe back to the third spot in the rotation. Sampson stays in the fourth slot. Wandy and Woody get to fight it out for the fifth spot.

Sure, Quaid’s a little old. I think he’s in his fifties. But the dude sure seems to be in decent shape. He’s also played a little pro quarterback. Even better, he’s from Houston. I’m sure he would love to help out his hometown. As for movie work, well after the way the Astros accommodated Rocket, I’m sure it should be no problem for the team to work around Quaid’s filming schedule.

After all, if Billy Crystal can play for the New York Yankees, and that fat fuck Garth Brooks can play several years for the San Diego Padres, then I say Quaid is just the answer to the team’s prayers.

(As an aside…Drayton, dude, look at that guy’s smile. And he’s got sex appeal. You can market the hell out of him.)

Now on to some real baseball.

Yesterday, I listened to Dave Raymond and Brett Dolan telling me that Michael Bourn’s great spring training stats had laid to rest any concerns they had about his ability to play centerfield. Which is kind of funny, in that I’ve been listening to these two bozos tell me for the past two weeks about how the spring stats don’t matter when the Astros pitchers are getting their asses kicked.

They’ve told me these past two weeks that the stats don’t matter because the pitchers are working on their spots, and playing around with new pitches, just tuning up for the regular season. But now that Michael Bourn is hitting Aaron Harang, the spring stats really do matter. But how do I know that Aaron Harang wasn’t working on his spots and just kind of tuning up like Woody Williams has been doing?

I think my head is going to explode.

Damn, and the season hasn’t even started yet.

Astros Baseball: Something To Do Before The Hurricane Comes Inland. – John Royal


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