Steroids, Roger Clemens and Congress: Bust Out the Razor
I’ve expressed in the past that I don’t think Congress should be messing around with this issue of steroids in baseball. But apparently, Congress disagrees with me. So, that said, is it really too much to ask them to be prepared and to act professional?
Roger must have autographed a few baseballs for Chris Shays (R-CT), because Shays spent his time comparing Brian McNamee to a drug dealer. And Virginia Foxx (R-NC) rushed down to get a hug from Clemens when the day was over, after she wasted her time displaying photos of Clemens from his various teams and stating that he didn’t look like someone who had done ‘roids or HGH. There was the Democratic rep from D.C. who said that Clemens had a spot waiting for him in heaven, and the Democratic idiot who wanted to know which team’s cap he would be wearing upon his induction into the Hall of Fame. And there was that Democratic rep who didn’t know how to pronounce Canseco.
But my strongest expression of contempt goes to one Dan Burton (R-IN). Mr. Burton apparently thinks lying to the media is the equivalent of lying under oath. He impeached Brian McNamee time after time with statements McNamee made to the press before the Mitchell investigation began, and he wanted to know how we could trust McNamee now?
What makes this all really funny is how much credence Burton put into the affidavit of Jose Canseco. Canseco stated in his affidavit that he never gave Clemens steroids or HGH, that he never saw Clemens take steroids or HGH, that he never discussed steroids or HGH with Clemens, and that he never heard Clemens discuss steroids or HGH. Which means that Mr. Burton never read that tome of Jose Canseco’s titled Juiced, in which Canseco spoke of discussing steroids and HGH with Clemens and in which Canseco strongly expressed his opinion that Clemens was taking either steroids and/or HGH. So, Mr. Burton, by that standard you applied to Brian McNamee, how can we believe Canseco, since he too has a pattern of lying?
Burton was also shocked by McNamee holding on to the evidence and didn’t think much of McNamee’s motives for so doing. So I wonder how he feels about Canseco trying to extort money from Detroit Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez in order to keep Ordonez out of his next expose of steroid users in baseball.
I know. I know. Dan Burton is that same prick from the ‘90s who made it his mission to convince his fellow members of Congress that Hillary Clinton was complicit in the death of Vince Foster; a death he decided was a murder, not a suicide, after he recreated the death scene in his back yard. So I guess I really shouldn’t expect this imbecile to be able to do the basic logic of one plus one equals two.
This brings me to another matter. Just how did this become a partisan matter? What is it about Roger Clemens that made all of the Republicans want to kiss his abscessed ass? Just what made them so damn dismissive of McNamee? They seemed disgusted that he attempted to turn on Clemens, and that his story changed from what he told the press to what he told Mitchell and the Feds. But haven’t any of them ever dealt with criminal prosecutions involving the Mob or drug lords? Dealing with snitches is how convictions are made. Not acting out conspiracy theories in the backyard.
What still bugs me is, after surfing this interweb thing throughout the day, I find there are many who believe Clemens was the more credible witness. One of the main sticking points continues to be that damn party Jose Canseco hosted in Miami when the Toronto Blue Jays, who Rocket and Canseco were both playing for, came to play the Marlins. McNamee is clear that Rocket was at that party. And he says he’s clear because he distinctly remembers Rocket’s nanny being present. Rocket says he wasn’t there. Says he was playing golf, and he even produced the receipt for his green fees (so, let me see, it’s troubling for a man to hang onto syringes and needles for seven years, but it’s normal for a guy to hang onto his receipt for golf fees for a decade? Yeah, I’ll go for that.) And Rocket produced video and audio evidence. He’s got the Blue Jays announcers, during the game that night, saying that Rocket wasn’t there. Rocket’s even got affidavits from Canseco and the ex-Mrs. Canseco stating that Rocket didn’t attend.
Once again, I ask, why is it we’re not supposed to believe McNamee, but we’re supposed to believe Canseco? And McNamee was asked time after time after time about this by Burton. But McNamee is clear. He was there. Rocket showed up late. The whole Rocket family was there. Hell, the Rocket nanny was there. So Congress contacts the Nanny. Guess what, the Nanny was there. Mrs. Rocket was there. The Rocket family was there. Rocket even showed up. The Rocket family even spent the night at the Canseco household.
So Burton, you frigging moron, who’s lying now? Especially since it appears there was a little witness tampering going on? I guess since he’s the Rocket, or a “titan” as you called him, and since he’s not a Clinton, his lies don’t matter?
But what really killed Rocket was Andy Pettitte. The man who begged out of appearing. And what Pettitte said really harmed Clemens. Several of the Congressmen – and I’m guessing that they’re the ones Rocket didn’t give autographed baseballs to – let Rocket have it with the Pettitte statements.
Pettitte testified in his deposition, and reiterated this in his affidavit, that Rocket told him in either 1999 or 2000 that he was taking HGH. When the Canseco book and the BALCO investigation were big in 2005, Pettitte asked Clemens about this again. Clemens’ response was that Pettitte misunderstood, that Rocket was talking about Mrs. Rocket taking HGH – yeah, that’s right, Rocket admitted that Mrs. Rocket took HGH, and that she received the injection of HGH from McNamee in 2003. So, I’m guessing you see the problem in the Rocket logic. Rocket couldn’t have told Pettitte in 1999 or 2000 that it was Mrs. Rocket who HGH because Mrs. Rocket didn’t take the HGH until 2003.
And Rocket wasn't helped by the fact that Pettitte, who everyone at the hearing described as the most honest in baseball, actually swore in his affidavit that he told his wife Laura about this 1999/2000 conversation with Rocket right after it happened. Mrs. Pettitte further backed this account in her affidavit, and they both expressed their puzzlement (in their affidavits) that, in 2005, Rocket changed his story to say that he had been saying that it was Mrs. Rocket who got the HGH shot.
When pressed on this contradiction, which some members of the committee seemed to notice, Rocket said that Pettitte misunderstood and misheard and misremembered what he actually said. Rocket said that in 1999/2000, he was talking to Pettitte about a TV program he saw in which old men took HGH. Which means that Rocket must think Pettitte is the stupidest frigging man on the planet if he were to believe this, or he thinks we’re the stupidest frigging people on the planet because we’ll actually believe this.
(On that note, I think I found the stupidest frigging man on the planet, as there’s actually a guy at Sports Illustrated who thinks Clemens was credible with this whole line of explanation. Which reminds me, I’ve got this bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell.)
And then Rocket was fronted with some more lies. Like how, three times in his deposition last week, he expressly stated that he never discussed HGH with Brian McNamee. Then the deposition moves to Debbie Clemens receiving an injection of HGH from Brian McNamee. And at this point in his deposition, Rocket admits that he discussed HGH with McNamee. But yet, somehow, there are actually people who think Clemens’s testimony throughout this was credible.
So let’s take a look at the actual facts as we reach the end. Brian McNamee told the Feds and George Mitchell that he injected steroids and/or HGH into Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens. It even comes out that he injected Debbie Clemens. And Knoblauch, Pettitte and Mrs. Rocket admit to receiving injections from McNamee. We also know that, despite the assertions of Rocket and Canseco, Rocket and the Rocket family were at the Canseco household on the day specified by Brian McNamee.
Despite all of this, Rocket asks us to believe that he never discussed HGH and steroids, that he never took HGH and steroids, and that since he and Pettitte were best friends, Pettitte would have told him that he took HGH.
Which leads me to that theory I’ve been espousing this week: Occam’s Razor. What is the simplest answer? Rocket and the Rocket staff want us to believe that Brian McNamee told the truth about Knoblauch, Pettitte and Mrs. Rocket, yet is lying about the Rocket because he’s a slimy, lying bastard. Rocket wants us to believe that, despite the fact he can go to jail for lying to the Feds and George Mitchell, Brian McNamee is lying.
Yeah, I suppose if you’re Dan Burton or Chris Shays or Virginia Foxx or the Tooth Fairy, you can believe. But Occam’s Razor says that if there are multiple solutions to a problem, go with the simplest. And what is the simple answer: Brian McNamee, who we now know has told the truth about Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettitte and Debbie Clemens, is also telling the truth about Roger Clemens. Especially since Andy Pettitte and the Nanny also support Brian McNamee while Rocket has only the supporting affidavit of Jose Canseco.
Occam’s Razor says Brian McNamee’s telling the truth. So does the evidence. So does the testimony.
Anything else just doesn’t make sense. Which probably explains it all. Clemens just isn’t making sense. Burton’s not making sense. Hardin’s not making sense. Stop making sense. Stop making sense.
Which probably explains why, today, I feel like such a psycho killer. – John Royal
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.