Super Bowl LIV, Here We Come!

So the 2007 NFL schedule was released Wednesday, meaning we’re finally able to get a clear glimpse of the carnage awaiting the Texans in their sixth year of existence. Ever since the franchise selected Tony Boselli with the first pick of the 2002 expansion draft, Houston has been a cursed club, especially with regards to the draft and their offensive line (promising tackle Charles Spencer being the

latest victim

). So is there any chance we’ll witness a reversal of fortune this year? Let’s break out Miss Cleo’s wildly successful (

so far

) crystal ball and find out.

September 9 – Chiefs @ Texans

The schedule Gods were merciful when they gave us this match-up right out of the gate. Not only is Kansas City a below average team, the Chiefs are also nearing AARP eligibility. Sure, they have Larry Johnson, but does a QB tandem of Damon Huard and Brody Croyle scare you? Hallelujah! For the first time since 2003, the Texans are above the .500 mark. Houston 17 – K.C. 13

September 16 – Texans @ Panthers

Umm, am I the only one hoping for a Jake Delhome injury in the pre-season? I mean, David Carr has to play in this game, doesn’t he? Since the theme for the Texans’ 2007 season has to be one of revenge and redemption, I say yes. Unfortunately for Houston, no quarterback in the NFL throws a prettier one yard hitch than Carr. And, to make matters worse, no one on the planet does more with those throws than Panthers’ superfreak, Steve Smith. Carolina 24 – Houston 14

September 23 – Colts @ Texans Yeah, I know Houston is the last team to have actually beaten Indianapolis. But let’s just say one meaningless late-season victory doesn’t exactly erase the trauma Texans’ fans endured the previous nine times these two clubs hooked up. Indianapolis 37 – Houston 20

September 30 – Texans @ Falcons Does Matt Schaub vs. his old team count as a redemption/revenge game? Not really. But you know we’ll play it up that way, regardless. I’ve been saying for years that Schaub was better suited to play QB for the Falcons than the mercurial Michael Vick. Time to put my money where my mouth is. Gulp. Houston 24 – Atlanta 21

October 7 – Dolphins @ Texans

Oh dear Lord. Are you kidding me? The Texans actually have a legitimate shot to be above .500 five weeks into the season? And I’m actually picking them to pull it off? Who slipped a roofie into my orange juice this morning? Sebastian Janikowski, was that you? Houston 23 – Miami 13

October 14 – Texans @ Jaguars

Ok, a 3-2 record is one thing. But there’s no way this team or this city is ready for 4-2. I can’t do it. Not even against the club we inexplicably own. Jacksonville 17 – Houston 10

October 21 - Titans @ Texans

Dear, Vince. Can’t we just call a truce? Oh no. Not that again. Anything but that. Please, don’t do it. I’m begging you. No more. I can’t handle any more! It hurts too much. Oh God, why hast thou forsaken me? Tennessee 26 – Houston 20 (OT)

October 28 - Texans @ Chargers

You really think the Texans can bounce back one week after Vince Bowl III and beat one of the NFL’s best teams on the road??? I know Norv Turner is involved, but still. San Diego 33 – Houston 13

November 4 - Texans @ Raiders

Just when it looks like all hope is gone, the schedule Gods send us another gift. Nothing like a visit from Oakland to lift everyone’s spirits. Houston 24 – Oakland 12

November 18 – Saints @ Texans

Mario Williams better be approaching ten sacks by the time this game rolls around. Otherwise, he might be ready for early admission into the David Carr-Brad Lidge Hall of Fame. Meanwhile, this whole revenge/redemption thing isn’t working out so well for the Texans. New Orleans 31 – Houston 27

November 25 – Texans @ Browns

I know this is rich coming from a Texans’ fan but, damn, the Browns suck. Houston 20 – Cleveland 10

December 2 – Texans @ Titans

We know, we know. We’re nothing but your own personal geisha girls, Vince. Do with us what you will. We deserve it. Tennessee 24 – Houston 20

December 9 – Buccaneers @ Texans

Now this is more like it. Right after we suffer more unthinkable humiliation at the hands of Vince, Chris Simms comes along to pick us up, wipe away our tears and help us feel human again. Houston 20 – Tampa Bay 16

December 13 – Broncos @ Texans

The Master vs. The Apprentice. I think this one will feel more like “The Empire Strikes Back” than “Return of the Jedi”. On the plus side, Gary Kubiak will be sporting a sweet robotic hand in 2008. Denver 27 – Houston 21

December 23 – Texans @ Colts

Every NFL season, some crappy team rises above itself for one week and smites its clearly superior opponent. This won’t be that week. Indianapolis 27 – Houston 23

December 30 – Jaguars @ Texans

Hey, at least we get to end the season on a winning note, right? And if that thought doesn’t get you excited about Texans’ football, look at it this way: A 7-9 season keeps us right on pace for that Super Bowl appearance in 2020. Baby steps, people. Baby steps. Houston 24 – Jacksonville 17

Postscript: In an effort to break the Boselli jinx once and for all, the Texans shove all their chips to the center of the table and trade up to the top spot in the 2008 NFL draft. But showing no regard for public opinion (shocking, I know), Houston disregards Arkansas superfreak Darren McFadden and decides to select the rights to Boselli’s first born. Trust me, he’s going to be a helluva left tackle someday. -- Jason Friedman

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