Comic actor Kevin James is largely famous for two things: The first is his portrayal of the loveable yet clunky guys in films such as I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and on the sitcom The King of Queens. The second is his Oprah-like up-and-down battle with his weight. During his stand-up performance at Bayou Music Center today, he'll likely talk more about his weight than the now syndicated King of Queens. ''I've either got to get in shape or hope ponchos come back in style,'' James has joked onstage. ''I don't like weight-loss advice. Everybody thinks they've got the secret. 'You know what you've got to do? You've got to chew sugarless gum. That's your problem right there.' Yeah, because my ass got fat from Bazooka.
''Have you ever gotten weight-loss advice from someone bigger than you?'' he continues. '' 'You know what you've got to do?' Yeah, not listen to your fatter ass, for starters. You know what it comes down to? My fitness goals are different from most people. Most people want to lose weight so that they look good in a bathing suit, or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough weight so that my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.''
8 p.m. 520 Texas. For information, call 713-230-1600 or visit bayoumusiccenter.com. $38 to $58.
Fri., Sept. 6, 8 p.m., 2013
Get the Things to Do Newsletter
Sign up for our weekly guide to events in Houston, and never be bored again. With suggestions for every day of the week, our recommendations will keep you busy on any budget.