10 Current Songs So Bad, They're Practically Making Fun of You
Ever had the urge to make the world's worst playlist? Perhaps you're hell-bent on torturing the passengers on a ten-hour road trip to Florida, or you just want to drive your mother-in-law batty enough that she'll jump ship and walk home. Well, just bust out these bad boys.
Be careful, though. In small doses these things can be pretty dangerous, so please don't play all ten in succession. We don't need any serious traumatic pop-song-induced brain injuries on our hands.
We've included the videos for you, just in case you're a music masochist or something. You're welcome.
10. "Feel This Moment," Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera This: "Ask for money, and get advice, Ask for advice, get money twice." What does it even mean? Am I supposed to learn something from it? Is it insightful?
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And this: "Now make dollars, I mean billions, I'm a genius, I mean brilliance." Again, am I missing something? What the hell is brilliant about about making word-mush and throwing in the word brilliance?
The world doesn't even make sense anymore.
9. "Popular Song," MIKA feat. Ariana Grande I mean, what? This song literally sounds like it belongs on some off-Broadway production, and all I can picture during this weird warbling is a mad amalgam of jazz hands and rhinestones. It can't be for real, right?
8. "I Wish," Cher Lloyd feat. T.I. I just replayed to this song so that you don't have to, and here are my legit thoughts on what was blaring in my ears, courtesy of my Beats. (Screw you for that, Dre. The sound was impeccable.)
I don't understand why Alvin the Chipmunk is singing on a track with T.I., and this shit is really confusing to me. I feel like I might be hallucinating from too many Cheetos at my desk or something. I also am confused about why Alvin is saying things like, "I wish I woke up with a butt and a rack." Alvin should learn to accept himself without a butt and a rack.
The only redeeming part of this song is T.I., or it would rival the horrid song in the No. 1 spot. T.I., saving blurry songs one at a time.
7. "#thatpower," will.i.am It's got a hashtag as a song title, for Christ's sake. Nothing good can come of hashtag song titles. And the song's entire premise sounds like a friggin' Tweet. He's got that power, power, power. Used to have a piggy bank, now he's got a bigger bank. That's some Shakespearean shit right there.
I hate to even say it, but Bieber is the one who redeems this song with a little bit of talent, even if he does glow like he stuck his toddler finger in the light socket.
6. "Scream & Shout," will.i.am feat. Britney Spears will.i.am just wants to scream, and shout, and let it all out. And scream, and shout, and let it out. And say oooooeoooooeoeoooooh.
If you take into account all of the other garbage will.i.am is responsible for as of late -- I'm side-eying the shit out of that Bieber collab -- it leaves us with this: if will.i.am wrote or produced it, it can probably be used to torture someone quite effectively. Please use that bit of information for good and not evil.
Throwing Britney's super-deep thoughts in the form of Jack Handey-like line "Britney, bitch" just takes this shit into literary overdrive. I'm surprised that my IQ wasn't raised at least 30 points each time "Scream & Shout" is played, considering how deep this song is.
5. "Here's to Never Growing Up," Avril Lavigne Dude. She uses the word "boombox" unabashedly in this song. Not only does it have to be a joke, it's not a funny one because she's showing her old-lady panties in the process.
Avril, you're making all of us olds the butt of your accidental joke, and you're right there in the geriatric quarters with us. Come off it already.
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4. "Bubble Butt," Major Lazer feat. Tyga, Bruno Mars, 2Chainz & Mystic Fools. That's all that can be said about this. Or, perhaps #fools, if you want to take will.i.am's lead.
3. "The Fox," Ylvis Y'all, this was meant as a joke, not just as a really bad pop song like the rest of this shit, and now it's on the radio all the time. It's literally making fun of you for taking it seriously. Stop blaring it with the windows down like it's supposed to be an insightful piece of art. You're all to blame for this one.
2. "Timber," Pitbull featuring Ke$ha This song never needed to exist, but since it does, it totally has to be some sort of joke. What's with the barn dancing noise in the background? Is it because Ke$ha sings like she should be drawn as a cartoon rooster? Is it because Pitbull is so country? And why is anyone yelling fucking "timber" in a song with Pitbull and Ke$ha? I'm kind of afraid to ask.
1. "Work, Bitch," Britney Spears If my 11-year-old daughter, who loooooves pop music, says that a song is awful, chances are good it's the pinnacle of garbage. This song sounds like a weird faux-British commercial for that weight-loss crap from Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith was hawking for a while. Only with a "big beat disaster" behind it. It doesn't work, bitch.
"You wanna hot body? You wanna Bugatti? You wanna Maserati? You better work, bitch." God. Damn. I'm not sure a more vapid, soulless song could exist. Throwing on that strange accent only enhances the joke-like qualities of this one. Not everything Madonna did should be mimicked by her pop-star successors, you know.
Also, can someone please enlighten me on what she says about "call me the bubbler?" It's confusing, and I'm guessing it's not that she wants to be known as a Midwestern slang term for a water fountain, although nothing would surprise me at this point.
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