10 Musicians Who Deserve A Pie In The Face
Rupert Murdoch, the head cheese over at NewsCorp (the company currently embroiled in the UK hacking scandal), narrowly escaped taking a pie in the face during his questioning before a parliamentary committee yesterday.
Scotland Yard confirms that a 26-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of assault for allegedly trying to hit media mogul Rupert Murdoch with a plate full of shaving cream.
Though the act itself has been around since the Silent Film era (producer Mack Sennett is credited with popularizing it), protest by pie-throwing is a relatively recent invention, with politicians and celebrities like Canadian PM Jean Chrétien, G. Gordon Liddy, and...Elmer Fudd all targeted by hurled pastries. However, shaving cream has often been favored lately for its relative ease in smuggling, compared to a full-size banana crème.
Why not? Would the pie-throwers of the world have us believe there are no musicians aggravating enough to warrant a face full of banana creme or Burma Shave? We beg to differ, and offer up this list of potential targets, ranked in ascending order of obnoxiousness.
Kelsea Ballerini - The First Time Tour
TicketsWed., Dec. 14, 7:00pm
MIX 96.5 Not So Silent Night with Train and Fitz & the Tantrums
TicketsThu., Dec. 15, 8:00pm
Flosstradamus - Hi Def Youth Tour 2016
TicketsFri., Dec. 16, 8:00pm
TicketsSun., Dec. 18, 8:00pm
Back In Black
TicketsThu., Dec. 22, 7:00pm
10. Mumford & Sons
Pie-ing Offense: Playing the banjo and saying "fuck" in your single seems pretty edgy at first, but when that same song is repeated ad nauseum - minus the f-bomb, of course - for ten months, we just want to lock them in a room and make these guys listen to Crass for a week nonstop. But since we're in a conciliatory mood, pies in the face it is.
Patisserie Punishment: Smacked with a stargazy.
9. Lady Gaga
Pie-ing Offense: While her stance on gay rights is admirable, and the music scene will always have need of giant puppet monsters (especially when Iron Maiden isn't touring), there's such a thing as just too damn much Gaga. Enough already.
Patisserie Punishment: Though we imagine Stefani Germanotta prefers something simpler, nothing less than razzleberry will do for Lady Gaga.
Pie-ing Offense: We can't include Chris Brown on this list because frankly, no amount of pies in the face would ever be sufficient (unless there were horsehoes baked into them). As an alternative, we'll single out T-Pain, for contiuning to extend Brown's (and Jaime Foxx's) musical careers.
And for that annoying iPhone app.
Patisserie Punishment: KO'd with a key lime pie, in honor of his home state of Florida.
7. The Gallagher Brothers
Pie-ing Offense: Only prevented from a higher ranking thanks to the current irrelevance of Oasis, but Noel and Liam still pop up intermittently in the music press to bitch at the media, Jay-Z, and each other. It's like the '90s all over again, and we hated the fucking '90s.
Patisserie Punishment: We can't imagine actually eating a steak and kidney pie, so into the brothers' faces it goes.
6. Axl Rose
Pie-ing Offense(s): Making us wait 14 years for a subpar follow-up to Use Your Illusion; for not burying the hatchet with Dave Grohl, who is a thousand times cooler than he is; and for those godawful cornrows.
Patisserie Punishment: What would go better with that appalling hairstyle than a corned beef pie?
Pie-ing Offense: He claims My Chemical Romance are influenced by bands like Queen, Iron Maiden, The Smiths, Black Flag and Bauhaus. So why do they still suck?
Patisserie Punishment: Onion pies make us all weepy, just like emo.
Pie-ing Offense: For rhyming "Kodak" with "Kodak." And we thought Ne-Yo had higher standards.
Patisserie Punishment: We're running out of ideas...let's see: pitbull is a kind of dog, certainly there's no such thing as a hot dog pie, is there? Oh dear god.
Pie-ing Offense: Paltrow managed to previously escape abuse on these very pages by confining her annoyances to the realms of acting and know-it-all child-rearing, but with the release of Country Strong, she's finally fair game. The movie performed so poorly, however, we can't help but temper our attack by conducting it in pastry form.
Patisserie Punishment: Nothing befits her performance as Kelly Canter as much as a big slice of cheese pie.
Pie-ing Offense: Redfoo and Mitt Romney's nemesis Sky Blu are the son and grandson, respecitvely, of Motown founder Berry Gordy, Which basically makes them the 21st-century Rockwell.
Patisserie Punishment: We think shoofly pie would be a fine choice. In other words, GTFO.
Pie-ing Offense: If Lady Gaga is overexposed, then Perry is what it will be like when Jesus comes back and takes over the airwaves. It's one thing to have the media hanging on your every word, it's quite another to have every one of those words be as vacuous as the lyrics to "Firework" and "E.T."
Patisserie Punishment: Pumpkin pie goes great with Reddi Whip shot from your boobs.
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