Was Jesus married? Ambiguous at best in the Bible, fully explored in fiction such as The Last Temptation of Christ, this ancient riddle is suddenly all over the headlines again after Karen King, a Christian-history expert at Harvard Divinity School, claimed to have found a 4th-century parchment that quotes the Son of Man as saying, "my wife."
Hasn't he suffered enough? But this is a music blog; we'll leave the theology to others. If Jesus did get married, you know there was a hell of a wedding (sorry), with tons of music. In fact, the best thing about about it had to have been no annoying DJ putting on "Y.M.C.A.," although you just know the guests found a way to do some ancient version of the chicken dance. Here are ten songs we can imagine hearing at the reception.
10. Lyle Lovett, "God Will (But I Won't)": Jesus has an ready-made answer to all those annoying honeydew chores like cleaning out the gutters, changing light bulbs, taking out the trash, etc.
9. Richard McLaughlin, "Maybe God Will Forgive You": Likewise, Jesus can always trot out this trump card during those nasty marital arguments.
8. Dale Watson, "Help Your Lord": Like many husbands, sometimes Jesus gets a little confused trying to figure out a map.
7. Talking Heads, "Once In a Lifetime": After leading the swinging lifestyle of a bachelor leader of a large cult of personality/religion for so long, at some point Jesus must have looked at himself in the mirror and said, "My God! What have I done?"
6. Mojo Nixon, "Are You Drinking With Me, Jesus?": After tying the knot, Jesus will learn to value his drinking buddies more than ever.
5. Johnny Cash, "Why Me, Lord?": That was an easy one.
4. Dixie Chicks, "White Trash Wedding": Not to cast aspersions on Jesus' supposed bride, but he was known to associate with women of questionable moral character... perhaps something in an off-white?
3. Rockpile, "I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll": Jesus was a pretty hip cat, but surely he wouldn't been above punching out the new Mrs. Jesus' former suitors if he had to.
2. Chuck Berry/Emmylou Harris, "You Never Can Tell": Because this song is at every damn wedding.
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1. Nirvana, "Serve the Servants": Very Christian title, great refrain: "Married! Buried!"
Anyway, you're welcome Jesus. Hope Peter caught the garter.