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23 Things You Won't See at Shows in the Suburbs

You have the green light to escape from the suburbs.
You have the green light to escape from the suburbs.

I have a love-hate relationship with my suburban lifestyle. For instance, I love sitting in my backyard, drinking cold beer and tending to something sizzling on the smoker. I hate getting threatening letters from the hypercritical HOA doofuses who apparently have nothing better to do than measure how high the grass is growing at my place.

This is a good place to wear slippers, watch TV and keep a dog. It's pretty horrible if you want to hear a live band and revel in any of the nightlife fun that accompanies that exercise. For that, you need to go into town. That's where you'll see these 23 things you won't see in the suburbs:

  • Skanking. No one skanks in the suburbs.
  • Taco trucks.
  • Two attractive females full-mouth kissing in the middle of the dance floor. Awesome? Awful? It's not for me to say. Just reporting what I saw.
  • Suburban lifestyle wear: yoga pants. Shorts and flip-flops. The occasional muu-muu. No studded jackets.
  • Those little cartoon booklets passed out by the holy rollers as you're exiting the black-metal show. However, the Jehovah's Witnesses do stop by every other Saturday morning.
  • People drinking outside the convenience store. Note: can actually be found in some Houston-area suburbs.
  • Set lists (no, a honey-do list is not a set list).
  • Dudes urinating in the public outdoors.
  • Photographers. Nobody questions them shooting bands or show audiences. It would be brilliant to see them snapping high-speed photos of shoppers selecting toilet paper at the neighborhood Kroger.
  • Middle-agers openly embracing their alcoholism. In the suburbs, it's a dirty secret. In town, it gives us a smashed couple waiting to purchase a bottle of wine at the store next to Rudz discussing their "poop chutes" at the sales counter.
  • Show fliers. All that's posted on the neighborhood bulletin board are garage-sale notices.
  • Japanese punk rockers standing around watching punk rockers from Japan perform.

List continues on the next page.

 

Never witnessed in the 'burbs.
Never witnessed in the 'burbs.
  • Stage-diving. In my 14 years here, no one's ever done a stage-dive off the backyard deck.
  • Homes which transform into venues for paying customers to attend shows featuring traveling bands. We did once have a brothel in our neighborhood, though.
  • Penises drawn on restroom walls.
  • People bumming cigarettes.
  • A dearth of law enforcement. In my neighborhood, the po-po is always strolling by. They're nowhere to be found at venues where teens are pregaming in the street before a show.
  • The all-ages "X" on the back of a hand.
  • Fire twirlers.
  • One handsome guy telling another, "I'm not gay...but he was so good I had to kiss him." Awesome? Awful? It's not for me to say. Just reporting what I heard.
  • The older people who look out of place. Older people never look out of place in the suburbs; that's our domain. At shows, I am one of the older people who look out of place.
  • Spontaneity.
  • Hipsters. Grew up in the suburbs. Moved to Montrose.

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