5 Better Places to Hide If You're Stalking Lady Gaga
Photo by Marco Torres
Most likely you were at home with your family on Thanksgiving, watching the game and stuffing your face. But if you were a completely psychotic "Little Monster," you might have preferred to spend that time with 35 others camped out in the garage of Lady Gaga's mansion.
Yes, boys and girls, some 35 people were crazy enough to spend their Thanksgiving hiding out there, presumably eating bags of Cheetos and waiting for a sighting of Gaga. If only she hadn't caught them while idly looking at her security cameras in the midst of a nude feast. I'm not even making that part up.
Obviously these 30 people were obsessive and out of their minds, although Gaga took it in stride, but I take issue with the fact that they're not even good at being obsessed and out of their minds. I mean, the garage? What, did they think Lady Gaga was going to come down to take a drive on Thanksgiving? Where would she even go? Everything would be closed!
I'm not a deranged stalker of pop stars, but if I were, I'd like to give these people some tips on a few better places I can think of to hide out in what must be a vast mansion full of perfect places to wait for her. Like OJ Simpson before me, this is, of course, a purely hypothetical account because this is all highly illegal and completely insane.
What Lady Gaga's garden looks like in my mind.
Photo via Wikipedia.org
5. The Bushes OK,, come on, any stalker or peeping tom knows that the bushes are the best place to position yourself to spy on your object of fanatical obsession. Sure, it's obvious and old hat, but cliches are cliches for a reason.
I like to imagine Gaga has one of those massive gardens with a hedge maze and plant sculptures, which would be an idyllic place to go walking on a beautiful autumn Thanksgiving Day. If you positioned yourself there, not only are you hidden from the view of most anyone, but where is she going to go? She's in the middle of a maze! She'll have to stay to sign all your merch and answer your weird questions!
It's sort of like this.
4. Her Wardrobe Closet It may take some doing to get in here, but if you've done your homework enough to find out where Gaga lives and how to get into her garage, it really shouldn't be that complicated to get into what I'm sure would appear to be a clothing department store to anyone who hasn't sold a platinum record. Even better that she admitted to being in the nude when she caught the stalkers: She was going to have to come in here to get dressed at some point, and that's when you could accost her with your bizarre requests!
3. The Butchery (aka Her Other Wardrobe Closet) I don't know that Lady Gaga wears meat dresses when she's just lounging around her mansion, but I like to imagine that she does. If you can get past a repulsion to the sight and smell of raw meat and the instantaneous reminders of the Rocky scene where he's punching the raw cow carcasses, you could have split the team up, having fifteen in the regular closet in case she decides to wear, you know, cloth for the day, and fifteen in here in case she goes with the beef.
Either way, she's going to have to change clothes at some point, those meat dresses have a short half-life and it is not pretty when they spoil.
2. The Kitchen Look, it's Thanksgiving. You know that a good few dozen people, probably illegal immigrants, were unfortunate enough to have to work for Lady Gaga on the holiday of feasts, making food for their rich, pop star overlord.
So if you're a smart stalker, you dress up in chef's clothing and say you're part of the crew. A few others dress as deliverymen and wheel still others in, safely tucked away inside a massive cake, ostensibly sent by Gaga's friend Elton John. When she comes to unwrap her gift, surprise: Little Monsters everywhere!
Seriously though, this is how creepy stalking pop stars makes you. Don't do it.
1. A Dark Room Filled With Lady Gaga Memorabilia OK, this one may not fulfill some of your sick desires, but sending Gaga a videotape with all your thoughts about her and her music while you stand naked in a dark room filled with dolls of her will either make her love you forever or scare the shit out of her. Either way, at least she won't have to deal with your weirdness in person. And hey, it's what the Bjork guy did and he got a lot of attention.
Just spare the letterbombs. I don't endorse hurting anyone here, which is probably why the videotape is best if you're a crazy person who is liable to hurt her if she screams when she sees you rather than tweeting about it. Seriously, Lady Gaga doesn't want to see you hiding in her garage on Thanksgiving, no matter how cool she was about it. She just wants to sit around naked and eat her turkey.
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