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5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

Many performers are referred to, or refer to themselves as "divas." This happens especially when the performer in question has thrown a tantrum for little or no reason. You see, "diva" is actually French for "spoiled pain in the ass." A fine recent example comes from right here in Houston: The alleged attack upon a West Point cadet by a pair of Patti LaBelle's "bodyguards" (read: "hired goons").

Perhaps you might be interested in learning about some more of the biggest diva moments in the world of rock and pop? Well, what a coincidence. You should probably keep reading. All divas are given a score on a scale of one to 10, with one being completely un-diva-like and 10 being equivalent to a member of European royalty screaming at a butler for setting out the wrong dinnerware while being filmed for a reality show.

5. Foxy Brown Hocks a Loogie, Throws a Blackberry, Goes to Jail

5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

Have you ever been disappointed in a hotel's service? Maybe the doorman was rude, or maybe the maid didn't leqave you enough towels, or maybe the bloodstains from the previous guest weren't adequately scrubbed from the carpet and drapes and ceiling.

Whatever the reason, maybe you reacted badly and lashed out. Maybe you called corporate headquarters to complain, left a pissy one-star review on Yelp, or even demanded a discount from the manager. And you probably felt bad afterwards.

Well, ease up on the guilt, because at least you're not Foxy Brown. In 1997, the Brooklyn rapper actually spat upon two hotel employees because they did not have an iron available. Her sentence for that crime was suspended, but Brown didn't stop there.

Over the years she has punched a Jamaican policewoman in the stomach, hit a neighbor with a Blackberry, and almost ran over a stroller with a baby in it. Finally, after assaulting two manicurists, Brown did a year in jail... where she spent 76 days in solitary confinement after an "altercation" with another prisoner.

Diva Score: 7. She started off strong with the "no iron" tantrum, but as time goes by, Foxy becomes less of a diva and more of a flat-out psychopath. True divas rarely throw down themselves, and certainly not when they're outnumbered. Multiple times.

  4. J-Lo's Custom Speedboat Limo

5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

Jennifer Lopez has obtained a reputation, over the years, of being something of a spoiled brat. From what we were able to discern from our research, this reputation is only halfway accurate; we really couldn't find any reliable, non-tabloid examples of bitchy behavior - in fact, she seems nice - but she definitely likes to spoil herself.

Case in point: For her 34-mile trip from Cannes to Monaco for the 2010 World Music Awards, J-Lo commissioned a custom-fitted speedboat with love seats, fake leather, and a refrigerator for champagne. She also felt the need to have a helicopter on standby just in case the speedboat thing didn't work out, but that's not even the half of it; she also received a $4,400 pair of diamond-encrusted headphones to drown out the noise from the speedboat's motor.

What does one listen to on diamond headphones? Not just anything will do. We hope it was something classic and worthy of the glamour, like Marvin Gaye or even Michael Jackson. Nothing against Nicki Minaj, but blasting "Super Bass" into headphones that cost more than a decent used car seems like something of a misuse.

Diva Score: 8. Would definitely have scored higher if she'd abused someone in the midst of all this, but as it is, it doesn't get much more diva than requesting both a speedboat and a helicopter for a journey of almost exactly the same length as the distance from Houston to Dickinson.

  3. Celine Dion: "Let Them Eat Kayaks!"

5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

Okay, so Marie Antoinette never said the apocryphal "Let them eat cake" line. We feel the comparison is still somewhat accurate; you can see in this video of Dion's September 2005 appearance on Larry King's show. She isn't handling the news out of New Orleans very well, at it was during the height of the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

Becoming somewhat hysterical, Dion emotionally demands that something more be done to help the people suffering in New Orleans. Of course, being a pop singer and not an emergency rescue worker, she has no idea what needs to happen and even admits as much before nearly shrieking for the U.S. government to start sending out rescue kayaks, if that's the only resource they have to spare.

We can understand getting emotional over the disaster happening in New Orleans. We even admire Celine for making the best of King's wildly inappropriate request for her to sing. But kayaks? This is why famous people don't usually go on television without first having long, intricate discussions with their publicists.

Diva Score: 4. Honestly, this interview makes us like Dion more than laugh at her; even if she's starting to lose it, it's definitely an honest, unfiltered reaction. And even though she goofed by mentioning kayaks, she echoed what has become a pretty common sentiment in the years since Katrina: Why wasn't more done? Why weren't more resources mobilized and more people saved?

All this while admitting that she has no idea what she's talking about. No, "Send in the kayaks!" was and is a great meme, but ultimately, when viewed in context, Dion comes off as less out-of-touch than she was portrayed.

  2. Mariah Carey's Dogtourage

5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

Mariah Carey has, over the years, become notorious for adding a dash of sheer lunacy to her diva behavior. While making some interview rounds in England, she was spotted with not only an entourage for her entourage, but also a contingent attending solely to her two Jack Russell terrier puppies.

We're not sure if this means professional dog-walkers or big, beefy men in tight black shirts shooting hate glares at anyone who comes too close to the puppies, or both, but either way it's over the top. They're your dogs, Mariah! Take care of them!

The excessive nature of this was apparently lost on Carey, who said in a subsequent interview "I had my team with me but the pups had a mini entourage of their own, of course! And why wouldn't they?"

Seriously? Because they are dogs, Mariah. And not even big Bull Mastiffs or St. Bernards, just two little Jack Russell terrier puppies. Come on.

Diva Score: 9. It's bad enough to be hauling small dogs around simply for the fashion statement, but to then give them their own fashionable entourage is just excess on top of excess.

  1. Kanye West, Professional Sore Loser

5 Great, Utterly Absurd Moments In Diva History

Although he seems to have mellowed out somewhat in the last year or so, for a while there was no bigger titty baby in the world of pop music than Kanye West. Proving that diva-dom isn't just for girls, West has thrown so many hissy fits, that it's become entertainment enough just to keep a running count of them all.

Our favorite is the one that he threw backstage at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, after losing in all five categories he was nominated. Enraged, West began screaming profanities and saying things like "Give a black man a chance!" and "Ain't never coming on MTV again!" In typical YouTube overlord fashion, MTV has removed the video of the incident from the entire Internet, but trust us when we say it was toddler-like in the extreme.

Diva Score: 9. When you lose out on any kind of award, you're supposed to be gracious and supportive to whoever won. You're definitely not supposed to jump up and down and scream and belittle the other contestant while insisting upon your own greatness. Just about the only thing West could have done to bump his score up would be to have seized the award anyway and, Shooter McGavin-like, make a run for it.


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