5 Ways Lady Gaga Could Spice Up The Astros' Season
Photo illustration by John Seaborn Gray
Last Friday night, Rocks Off's favorite pop star, Lady Gaga, bum-rushed her way around Yankee Stadium during the opening game of the New York Yankees three-game homestand against crosstown rivals the New York Mets.
Somehow she talked her way past security and into made her way into the Yanks' clubhouse and hung out with not only Madonna's ex-bro Alex Rodriguez but also second baseman Robinson Cano, clad in only in Yankees pinstripes and a bra and panties.
The Yanks ended up going 2-1 in the interleague series, losing to the Mets 4-0 that night but taking the next two games to win the series. That's not entirely bad, though.
Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you feel towards Big Puma and the rest of the Bad News Bears, our own beleaguered and beat-down Houston Astros will be entertaining the Cincinnati Reds during Gaga's two-night stand at Toyota Center the weekend of July 23-26.
This season has been one of the worst in recent history for Astros fans. Every game is like watching your parents fight. You just want it to be over so you can go cry yourself to sleep under your vintage posters of Mike Scott and Nolan Ryan and have sweet dreams of championship parades downtown, but you end up waking up to the horrific present where Michael Bourn is a franchise player.
The excitement surrounding Gaga seems to have brightened the Yanks-Mets series. True, it was a distraction from the game, but it's not like Gaga was lighting Babe Ruth's jersey on fire or urinating on the Lou Gehrig plaque. When was the last time anyone was excited about something at Minute Maid other than the gift shop having a fire sale?
Looking at Gaga's touring schedule, she has two shows in Dallas before Saturday night off in Houston on July 24. Once she gets down with those louts up north, she can shoot down I-45 and get to business at Minute Maid stirring up shit like only she can.
Lady Gaga, we need you at Minute Maid on July 24. Rocks Off will even set aside a pair of the corporate seats near the dugout so we can rage. The first three Dos Equis are on us. Here are the five things you can do to spice up the Juice Box for us, and maybe, just maybe, we can finally put that dusty defibrillator in the press box to good use.
Milo, we're coming for you.
1. Free Disco Sticks
Yeah, water bottles and bobbleheads are cool if you are 14 years old, but with Gaga in the house, we need something so the big kids will get to the stadium early - free disco sticks to the first 5,000 single women. Gaga's trademark stage prop can't be that expensive to make. Hell, we know a girl who made one out of a cane and a touch light. That weekend's scheduled promotion, a rainbow Astros T-shirt, gets close but just won't cut it. And yes, we know that disco stick is a euphemism for penis.
2. Junction Jack Loses His Virginity on Tal's Hill
Sorry JJ, but it's time to grow up and be a big rabbit. We propose that Gaga tie down the Astros beloved mascot on Tal's Hill in centerfield and have her way with him, a la the recent controversial video for "Alejandro." It's not like what would happen on a bed between a rabbit and Gaga isn't anymore grotesque and unnatural than anything that we do on the field of play.
3. Barbara Bush Gets a Gaga Makeover
Imagine the surprise in the Diamond Club when former First Lady Barbara Bush arrives to the game dressed in four yards of blood-red tulle, wearing a stuffed fox head as a pendant, and carrying three glittery tire irons. Don't think that won't light a few home fires when George Sr. and his new Lady Barbar head back to the homestead after the sixth inning.
4. Gaga Ground Crew
During the middle of innings when the field needs tending, the normal ground crew will be replaced by the city's best Gaga impersonators (men and women), and we actually know a few. The spectacle of a grown woman pushing a rake whilst wearing a pair of sunglasses made of lit cigarettes or a six-foot tall transvestite in a bubble suit will be enough to drive up beer sales for the duration of the game, especially among the church groups dotting the crowd.
5. Win = Naked Train Ride
Usually reserved for home runs by the home team, the train in left field hasn't been getting much use this year, but in the event that we somehow win, Gaga will ride the train in the nude to celebrate while fireworks go off around her. She will not be allowed to put those pieces of gaffer tape on her nipples, per Drayton McClane's strict (and shouted) orders. Who knows, maybe she and Hunter Pence can even ride it together.
A fanboy can dream.
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