50 Things People Say at Miami's Ultra Music Fest

Yep. Even though they had a flag, they were chanting it too.
Yep. Even though they had a flag, they were chanting it too.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

Written by S. Pajot/Miami New Times

Ultra Music Festival is 36 solid hours of EDM-themed overstimulation.

Superfamous DJs! Pop-star cameos! Half-naked ladies! Oiled-up beefcakes! Dancing robots! Human tacos! Toothpaste Man! Pyrotechnics! Cryo cannons! Fireworks!

Everything at Ultra deserves an exclamation point. Or maybe ten. And there's never less than 120 decibels rumbling through your already stimuli-flooded skull. So who's paying attention to what people are saying?

Actually, we are always listening. And we're taking notes. Because the chit-chat, shit-talking, and non sequiturs are just as entertaining, weird, absurd, unsettling, and LOL-able as anything else at this phantasmagoric annual spectacle.

Precipitation can't stop the party.
Precipitation can't stop the party.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

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50. "If you don't give a fuck about the rain, screeeeeeam!" -- Afrojack, refusing to let Ultra's opening-day downpour dampen his party spirit

49. "Boooooo! Moooooother! Naaaaaatuuuuuure!" -- Neo-hippie raver dude expressing mock disapproval of meteorological phenomena

48. "I was dirty and sweaty and sticky and greasy and smelly. So I don't mind the storms. It's like a shower. But you don't have to take your clothes off." -- A freshly washed, nowhere-near-fully-dressed female festival-goer

47. "The good thing about wearing a thong is it's safe from the rain, because it's stuck in your butt." -- Experienced, practical party girl, offering free pro tips

46. "If you can't rage through weak-ass storms, what the fuck are you gonna do when civilization breaks down and the whole world turns to shit?" -- Drenched prepper guy in a "Drop Bass, Not Bombs" T-shirt

Clear book bags...Officially "Ultra Approved."
Clear book bags...Officially "Ultra Approved."
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

45. "Is this a backpack? Is that a backpack? What is a backpack?" -- Three friends getting philosophical about whether their CamelBaks are subject to Ultra's new Prohibited Items policy

44. "Don't bother with a bag. Wear a kangaroo suit. You got a built-in bag." -- Dude in a kangaroo suit

43. "C'mon, why ban binkies? If they're safe for babies, they're safe for everybody." -- Girl not named Molly in a "Your Girl Molly" tank top

42. "Who needs a pacifier when you've got a hot dog?" -- Giggling guy sucking a wiener

41. "How much are the franks?" -- Hungry raver

Sorry, dude. But you'll never be on the cover of DJ Mag with a face like that.
Sorry, dude. But you'll never be on the cover of DJ Mag with a face like that.
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

40. "What? Huh? No way? For real? Unh-unh? Bullshit!" -- Bro in disbelief

39. "That's what's happening inside my heart!" -- First-time Ultra raver screeching as confetti explosions split the sky above the Main Stage

38. "I feel like dancing! I wanna dance! I gotta dance!" -- An already-dancing muscleman in gold lamé bikini bottoms

37. "Who are these dorks just standing around?" -- Unimpressed party person

36. "They're music journalists." -- New Times reporter

More funny stuff on the next page.

 

Follow the Panda. He will be your PLUR-y guide.
Follow the Panda. He will be your PLUR-y guide.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

35. "When you find PLUR, the universe become one big kandi. And the planets are huge beads. And we're just billions of little beads. " -- A recent convert to Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect

34. "If the whole world just got together to rave, our only problem would be too much fun. And probably lack of water. Haha." -- Raver studying sociology

33. "I met, like, 16 aliens today. They were all nice." -- A wide-eyed, straight-faced young lady, presumably referring to people in smuggled-past-security masks and not an actual encounter with super-friendly extraterrestrials

32. "There's gotta be life on other planets. We just don't know. Where do you think all that bass on those NASA tapes is coming from?" -- Self-described "sci-fi geek" in a Skrillex alien face T-shirt

31. "When we meet ET, he'll love EDM." -- "Ultranaut" kandi wearer, predicting the musical preferences of beings from outer space

Even the male nuns are looking for "LOVE" at Ultra.
Even the male nuns are looking for "LOVE" at Ultra.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

30. "I don't know him!" -- A young guy taking a breather from sucking face with a stranger to explain their level of acquaintanceship

29. "Yes, you could meet your soul mate at Ultra. There's, like, 200,000 people here. It's just the chances are shitty. Like dying by asteroid." -- Tough chick in a "You're Not My Boyfriend" belly top

28. "I fucking love you! I fucking love you! I fucking love you!" -- Shirtless guy screaming at the Krewella sisters

27. "He knows they don't love him back, right?" -- Guy behind the shirtless guy

26. "We're actually really close on Twitter." -- Shirtless guy

Dressing like Mexican food. That's what's up, bro.
Dressing like Mexican food. That's what's up, bro.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

25. "How do you do, officer?" -- Human taco to a City of Miami cop

24. "I'm good. And you look delicious." -- Cop, responding to the taco

23. "I never have food at Ultra. Because I don't want to have to go to the bathroom at Ultra." -- Party girl struggling with parcopresis

22. "Bro, you can't bring bananas in there. Those bananas are banned." -- One unmasked gorilla to another unmasked gorilla

21. "But I wasn't even gonna eat them." -- Gorilla, leaving his bananas behind

We hear he can turn water into Red Bull.
We hear he can turn water into Red Bull.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

20. "I don't believe in him. But Jesus came to rave. And he brought his girlfriend. Cool dude." -- Atheist at a beer tent

19. "In the name of Tiësto, Martin Garrix, and Steve Aoki." -- Smartass making the sign of the cross as the Christ lookalike passed

18. "If there's a god, I think he knows how to party." -- Lady in lingerie discussing religion with a Jehovah's Witness outside Ultra's main gate

17. "This music is the voice of Satan in screeches and beats. It's sad that they can't hear what the songs are really saying." -- Evangelical Christian protester

16. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!" -- Transcendent moment at Ultra's Main Stage

More funny stuff on the next page.

 

No naps at Ultra!
No naps at Ultra!
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

15. "Wake me up when shit gets real." -- Bored bro

14. "How does somebody fall asleep in the middle of the day when they're surrounded by thousands of strangers and there's 120 decibels blasting them in the face?" -- Incredulous festival-goer, shaking his head at a slumbering kandi kid slumped into a seat at the Live Stage

13. "PLUR vibes are heavy, man. Those beads and shit add 20 pounds to your body. A guy's gotta rest sometimes." -- Incredulous festivalgoer's friend

12. "There's Waldo!" -- Food vendor, pointing at a skinny guy in glasses, a red-striped shirt, and a playfully cocked, pompom-topped beanie

11. "Where's Molly?" -- Raver chick looking for her friend whose name was actually Molly

An appropriate slogan for any article of clothing, including hats, shirts, and family-reunion sweatshirts.
An appropriate slogan for any article of clothing, including hats, shirts, and family-reunion sweatshirts.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

10. "Which one's trashier?" -- Woman with a weed-leaf pasty on her right nipple and a kissy-lips pasty on her left nipple

9. "Well, is trashy a good thing?" -- Pasty woman's wardrobe advisor

8. "Yes." -- Woman cupping and lifting her right breast for inspection and then her left breast for inspection, and then right, left, right, left, right, left

7. "I heart boooooooobs!" -- Dude who'd just removed his "I ♥ Boobs" shirt

6. "So do babies." -- Funny lady in dominatrix gear

5. "Bieber! Bieber! Bieber! Bieber! Bieber!" -- Lusty screeches from a bro with cat paws, humping an invisible JB

4. "There are things that you will only ever see here. And they will change you forever." -- Spirit-hoodied man-child in tears

3. "I'll be coming to this festival until I die." -- A sexagenarian lady raver in furry boots

2. "Best Ultra ever!" -- First-time UMF attendee

1. "We're going in 2016, right?" -- Sad 17-year-olds outside the gates

Ultra awaits.
Ultra awaits.
Photo by George Martinez/gmartnx.com

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