9 Musicians Tiger Woods Should Have Cheated With Instead of the Women He Did
Lily Allen: "Here, kitty, kitty..."
When initial word of millionaire golfer Tiger Woods' car accident in front of his home hit the news wires and Twitter the morning of November 27, the world waited with bated breath. None of us quite knew what his condition was or how extensive his injuries were. In a year that saw Death snatching celebrities left and right, a part of all of us began to write our own mental obituaries of Woods. Later that day, we found out that he was fine, if a little worse for wear. But his marriage wasn't exactly ship-shape. It's now alleged that Woods had at least nine women on the side, with whom he conducted regular extramarital affairs in hotel rooms, cars, bathrooms and even his own family home. At the time of this posting, the tally stands at nine women alleged to have slept with or who have already admitted to sleeping with the married golfer. His infidelity is all the more confusing considering that his wife, Elin Nordegren, is a textbook smoking-hot, blonde Swedish ex-model. Rumor has it she took one of Tiger's golf clubs to his SUV in a fit of scorned rage. Understandably, Nordegren has since moved out of the couple's Florida home.
The Tiger list includes porn star Holly Sampson (right), two restaurant waitresses, a club chick, a lingerie model, a Las Vegas cocktail girl, a former reality-show contestant, a nightclub promoter and a shadowy unnamed "cougar." That's pretty low-rent list for a man worth millions upon millions of dollars in endorsement deals and tournament winnings. Hell, Rocks Off could probably pull at least half of those kinds of chicks our own slovenly, perpetually hung-over self. OK, maybe just the waitresses. OK, none. We can't help but think that Woods should have aimed higher than the star of Suck It Dry 6 and a couple of girls who refill your coffee and make sure you have enough silverware for your pancakes. If Rocks Off were inclined to cheat on our hot, svelte Swedish wife/mother of our kids, we would at least swing for the fences. But now that the damage is done, at least get some strange rock-star tail while you're at it, Tiger. Lily Allen You want a wild party girl, Tiger, then look no further than Ms. Allen. You think some lame-ass Florida syrup jockey can rock your world better than a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed Brit with a penchant for coke and nudity? Alison Mosshart If anyone would keep us in line, it would be Ms. Mosshart from the Kills and the Dead Weather. We can already see she knows her way around a firearm from watching the "Treat Me Like Your Mother" video.
Courtney Love One of Woods' mistresses had a fiancée that died in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which in turn turned her into a jet-setting party promoter. Maybe there is something to hot traumatized-widow sex? if so, look no further than the First Lady Of Batshit, Miss Courtney Love. On the other side of the spectrum, Yoko Ono is off-limits, tough guy. Pink When a lot of guys think of cheating, they refrain from doing the deed by imagining the sheer terror their wives or girlfriends could rain down upon them. Dating Pink would be like dating a tattooed, mannish pit bull who would sooner violently chew your dick and balls like Bubble Yum than see you with another woman. She's infidelity insurance with nipple piercings. Taylor Swift Oh man, this would rock. Swift is like seven feet tall and would pound you into emotional oblivion with a song about you if you cheated. A single directed at you like "Should've Said No" would be exponentially worse for your career than nine angry whores and a beat-up SUV. Rihanna OK, let us explain. With Woods' track record and with Rhianna's excellent taste in men in the past, this would be a couple borne out of pure suspicion and sideways glances. Who knows many people who have lasted 60 years just based on those two things alone? Liz Phair If a cougar is what you have to have, then why not go for the coolest indie-rock cougar who ever lived? Liz Phair may not be as fancy as Woods' anonymous cougar probably was, but she wrote that song about wanting to be a blow-job queen and wanting your "hot white cum." That works for us. Hell, get out of our way, Caddyshack - this one's ours. Lady Gaga Can you imagine the batshit stuff that goes on behind closed doors with this chick? Who needs a sketchy lingerie model when your girlfriend wears cheesecloth on her face and spits out blood onstage? Kelly Clarkson She likes to play golf and doesn't subscribe to any of the music industry's physical norms, which is totally cool. We actually think she is kind of foxy, in a "fun drunk girl at the bar" kind of way. On the downside, be prepared to be the subject of a multiplatinum concept album if you cheat on her. You thought "Since U Been Gone" was harsh...
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.