Hey kids! Bet you totally forgot that today is the anniversary of the death of Santa Claus!
Well, technically it's the anniversary of the death of Saint Nicholas, who kicked the bucket this day in 346. Nick is the best-known basis for the modern figure of Santa. The son of wealthy parents, he had a reputation in life for secret gift-giving, mostly stashing money in the shoes of poor people who left them outside for him. See, it's not lazy to give cash as a present, it's historically accurate!
We did some research into Nick and found that in addition to being the patron Saint of elvish dentists, caribou with crimson proboscises, yetis and expensive pieces of plastic, he is the saint of children, sailors, fishermen, merchants, broadcasters, the falsely accused, prostitutes, repentant thieves, pharmacists, archers and pawnbrokers.
He could also raise the dead. Wait... what?
It's no joke, though. Legend has it that Nick not only restored three people to life, he put them back together again after they'd been dismembered by a butcher.
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We're sorry, but that means Santa pretty much trumps anything Jesus did save the water-into-wine trick. Of course, we could just buy wine with the money Nick gives us, so the win still goes to fat boy.
In celebration of our veneration of Nick as the one true god, here's a short song from Rob Walker of www.ThatGuyWithGlasses.com called "Santa Christ!"
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.