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A Showcase Of Silly Industrial Dancing

The basis of all industrial fashion
The basis of all industrial fashion

In addition to our job duties as in-house bartender and beard hygienist, we're Houston Press' resident goth music expert, and industrial music falls under our purview because of that. It's sort of like how Joshua Norton got to be Emperor of the United States, but he also had to take on Protector of Mexico along with the deal. It's not a problem, we like industrial a lot and Houston has always been full of decent rivetheads.

That being said... look, guys. We know that gas-masks aren't cheap and neither are cyberdreads. You put a lot of effort into looking like every single ninja from the Mortal Kombat series entered Jeff's Goldblum's telepod at the same time and came out dancing. You want to show it off, and there's no shame in that.

There is, however, a reason goths and industrial fans dance in dark clubs under a haze of smoke. It's because we look freakin' ridiculous. That doesn't stop some folks from invading the daylight and showing off their best moves in public, then putting it on YouTube. We've been watching this for hours now, and it gets funnier every single time.

What Tank9 may lack in elaborate costumes, they make up for by going out of their way to shoot themselves dancing to Grendel's "Zombienation" in several locations. They invade abandoned lots, a graveyard, railroad tracks, a playground, and a street vendor full of mannequin-ass in tight denim. That last one is sort of a misstep on the "Generic Music Photo Shoot Location BINGO Card," but the puzzled merchant in the background does help sell it.

The Biologic Dance Crew has got the look down, we'll give them that and 10 percent interest. However, dancing by yourself in a club and trying to dance in sync with others are two very separate items. If you're having trouble mastering the murderously difficult technique of group pointing back and forth, maybe we shouldn't open the video with it.

Our first performer brave enough to go solo is J-Cyber. Modest in dress and setting, he nonetheless has some truly boundless energy, not to mention good taste in choosing Suicide Commando's "Cause of Death." The video was actually an audition for the 2011 German Industrial Dance Battle, which frankly sounds like something somebody should make a movie about.

 

That being said, J-Cyber can't hold a candle to the moves displayed here by Bio Sektor. Also, if Kevin Smith had gone through a goth phase while making Clerks we're pretty sure that this is exactly how Jason Mewes would've looked as Cyber Jay. Bio Sektor loses points for actively doing the Robot at one point, but not many considering he named himself after a mechanical ninja.

This ambitious five-man dance troupe is one of the most popular on YouTube, with people having remade the video using Madonna's "Vogue" and that annoying Nyan Cat thing. This kind of spectacle must be very common in Germany since several people walk by without pausing even in the slightest.

Considering we've seen people in Houston stop their cars to stare at those Wacky Wiggle Guys you see outside of muffler shops, that seems like a rather astounding level of ambivalence.

OK, we applaud the fact that EmoTreff Stuttgart has actually gathered together enough dancers to make this video look like it was shot for that Industrial Dance Battle film we were pitching earlier, but come on, guys, you've got to get those outfits together.

Your girl in the front is cute enough, but she's wearing a damned Target dress. Half your guys look like cholos who also want to be prepared for a mustard gas attack. At least they, unlike the last video, had the sense to put the chubby guy in the back.

We'll end with the Next Generation Society, who is not in any way fucking around here. They didn't just film a dance video. they added a dramatic opening, all their outfits match, they're movements are in precision time with each other, they explore multiple camera angles, and they even introduce each solo dancer with an explosion.

Our only complaint is that the dancing looks like it was done behind an outhouse. Someone get these men a green screen and you will watch the hits roll in.


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