A Timeline of the World, Post-Beyoncé Haircut
On August 7, in the year of Beyoncé and Blue Ivy 2013, a photo was placed on the official royal Instagram of her Bey-Hiveness Beyoncé.
The queen had gotten a haircut.
People gasped, women immediately called their beauticians at the stroke of midnight wanting the cut. Rihanna, Miley Cyrus and Pink all scoffed before fans peppered them with schoolgirl like, "Girl, did you see what Beyoncé did?!" thoughts.
"You're a leader, not a follower!" some hapless fan wrote on Instagram. "She has her own emoji now!" another laughed on Twitter. "The poor, poor weave industry," someone else chimed in. Yes, that poor industry is going to SUFFER because Beyoncé has enough influence to make women all give themselves The Big Chop.
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What do we do? We now live in a world where there are children who have never seen Beyoncé with her glorious mane or endless supply of great wigs and lacefront weaves. These children have to understand that Chris Brown is going to retire in two weeks, that Jay Z ditched his hyphen much like he did every other Roc-A-Fella or business thing he just got bored with. Forget post-racial America, we're in post-weave Beyoncé times.
Here's how the next twelve months might wind up if Beyoncé keeps her hair like this. You know, because this is super serious news right here.
August 25: Beyoncé upstages Lady Gaga giving birth to another Lady Gaga at the VMAs by publicly debuting her new 'do. Jay Z cackles and says #newrules while Rihanna plays with her iPhone, adding more half-naked pics to her Instagram account.
August 26: The fan who caught Beyoncé's hair during a concert a few months ago (while she was still performing!) has now simply been dubbed The Fan and added to the Royal BeyHive Proclamation.
September 15: Full-on patents for "Beyoncé Weave" roll in. The hair replaces Indian Remy and Malaysian as the hottest things in the black hair world. Beyoncé tells us her inspiration for cutting her hair was her fans.
September 16: Keri Hilson gets a similar bob cut, and Beyoncé fans come after her viciously.
October 2: Finally ready to put out her new album, Beyoncé gives us the final images of her long hair in the "Bow Down" video, along with the Houston rappers who do whatever they can to make sure they're in the "I Been On" video. Fans weep, consider August 7 as "RIP Baddie Bey Hair Day" and do the "Single Ladies" dance.
November 11: Beyoncé, fully embracing her new look, decides to do the same to her daughter Blue Ivy. The world freaks out again, calls the cut an even bigger sign of the Illuminati rising up against us to take over.
December 31: Bucking all kinds of industry tradition, Beyoncé's new album hits stores just in time for the new year. Her hair is still short, yet the content of the LP is aggressive. Everybody is told to bow down and everything, even Oprah. It goes on to sell 450,000 copies and land at No. 1.
January 23: In her newest music video, Beyoncé is torn between rocking her old hair and her short bob, making it the most heartbreaking music video that's really about hair since Sinead O'Connor's cover of Prince's "Nothing Compares 2 U."
February 9: A week after the Super Bowl and being reaffirmed that her performance last year was one of the best of all time by a yelling Kanye West, Beyoncé hits the Grammy stage with her new do and then looks at Miley Cyrus in the audience. They have a twerking contest with the loser having to wear an elephant costume. Beyoncé wins.
February 10: Beyoncé apologizes to America for the twerking contest, saying Miley Cyrus "must not know 'bout me."
March 16: In another show of SXSW becoming the biggest money venture in music, Beyoncé closes out the festival while performing inside of the State Capitol. Freshly minted governor Wendy Davis joins her for a performance of "Bow Down" as Davis hits the Southside over the Texas GOP.
April 4: Jay Z and Beyoncé celebrate their anniversary by taking Blue Ivy to some location none of us have ever heard of on a map. Google Maps can't find it, nor can Encarta or Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego. Fox News is displeased.
May 22: After nearly eight months with her short hair, Beyoncé and her weave reconcile. Meanwhile, Rihanna is still uploading half naked photos of herself to her Instagram account.
May 27: Beyoncé, now with her hair back into place, waves and smiles for cameras as she details her entire short hair experience in a 90-minute documentary for HBO. It's the sequel to Life Is But a Dream but instead the film is titled, My Weave Got Snatched, Thanks For Everything Tina Knowles.
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