If Twitter is good for one thing, it's the immediate and rapid dispersal of breaking news. If Twitter is good for two things, it's that, plus the immediate and rapid dispersal of whatever trumped-up rumor, lie, or fakery that manages to draw the ire of the millions of poor saps reading along 140 characters at a time. Justin Bieber has "died" several dozen times on Twitter, as have Owen Wilson, Eddie Murphy, and of course Bieber's fellow legendary tween heartthrob, Nelson Mandela.
The latest moral panic (Twanic?) to seize Twitter's imagination was this business with the Zodiac. Apparently the Earth has shifted on its axis enough to cram a new Zodiac sign into the current pantheon, and to rearrange the inclusive dates of the other signs. Or something.
We'll admit, we barely understand Zodiac shit. So, the stars affect you somehow? Or the weird mythological creatures they represent? Like guardian angels or...? Anyway, a lot of people got upset because they thought they were now under the karmic purview of an entirely different set of space monsters than the ones they had grown up praying to. Right? That's how it works, right?
It turns out that all this stuff is old news, and people have known that the signs were going to adjust for a couple thousand years. It apparently doesn't matter because it's not the space monsters that decide your fate but instead is the alignment of the planets, or maybe the sun, and the new Zodiac might only apply to those born after 2009, or it might not, or the Lord is coming soon.
We have such a headache right now. Here are some songs for the new Zodiac. Or the old one. Or the... fringe Zodiac... or what... it's... thinkmeats hurt. Pain... pain.
69 Chambers, "Judas Goat": Aries is also known as "The Ram," and the characteristics of an Aries are that they're masculine, extroverts, and optimists. Except for when they aren't, of course. People born under this sign are also called "Arians," which explains why they tend to be somewhat homogenous and ready to march as one.
Rage Against the Machine, "Bulls On Parade": According to myth, Taurus was a proud, stubborn bull who angered Zeus, who turned him into an affordable but not very dependable compact car. The RATM original is a classic, of course, but we've all heard the song and seen the video, so here's a guy beat-boxing it.
Slayer, "Gemini": We couldn't find any videos of Maya Rudolph and Ana Gasteyer doing their fantastic Destiny's Child parody Gemini's Twin on Saturday Night Live, so here's some Slayer for that face of yours.
Warren Zevon, "Keep Me In Your Heart For a While": Yes, it's the song Zevon composed shortly after he was told he had terminal inoperable cancer. Sorry, it's not our fault the Latin word for "crab" just happens to also be a horrible disease. We figured we'd at least go with a nice Zevon song rather than subject you to a song about crabs. Or some crabcore.
Mumford & Sons, "Little Lion Man": We only just recently discovered Mumford & Sons, and we sat rapt, unable to so much as get up to answer the phone until the entire album had finished. We want to say this is one of their best songs, but each of their songs is one of their best. The fact that this is our favorite song on the list, and the fact that we ourselves are Leo, should not be given any thought.
The Sword, "Astraea's Dream": Virgo, or "the maiden" or sometimes "the virgin," is based on a Greek myth concerning Astraea, the virgin goddess of justice. The scales Astraea carried make up the constellation Libra, which means that without Virgo, Libra wouldn't even exist. Following that chain of logic: If you're a Libra, you're socially obligated to be any Virgo's bitch.
Harvey Sid Fisher, "Libra": Hahaha! Enjoy your song, bitch!
Keyboardmania, "Scorpion Fire": There are three popular versions of the Scorpio myth, and in all three, a scorpion kills Orion the hunter. That's pretty sweet. Rather than going the obvious route and subjecting you to a video by popular lameasses The Scorpions, we've decided to instead show you this neat little demonstration of a Guitar Hero-style video game called "Keyboardmania" as it plays the song "Scorpion Fire." We've never heard of "Keyboardmania," but it looks like the hardest fucking game of all time.
Throwing Muses, "Snakeface": This is the "new" Zodiac sign, which was apparently dreamed up and then rejected for the Final Twelve some centuries ago. We understand why some people want it included; it means "serpent-bearer" and its alternate name is Serpentarius. That is awesome. Way cooler than some fish (sorry, Pisces).
Buck 65, "Centaur (Acoustic Version)": Sagittarius is sometimes said to be a guy called Chiron, which doesn't make sense, because we thought Chiron was the guy who rows you across the river Styx. Whatever, either way, Sagittarius is a centaur, and that's a great excuse to post this fantastically weird acoustic rap tune, a "very sad song about a man who's built like a horse down below" to borrow YouTube user konithomimo's brilliantly succinct summation.
Tears For Fears, "Cold": Capricorn is some kind of sea goat. No, seriously, that's what it is, a goat that lives in the sea. While you're trying to make sense of that, have a listen to this great Tears For Fears song - in which Capricorn is passively mentioned.
Adult Swim, "Aquaman Dance Party": According to hippies, right now the Age of Aquarius is dawning. Isn't that great? What terrific news! Let's celebrate with Aquaman!
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Primus, "Fish On (Live)": We think ancient astrologers just got lazy towards the end of their constellation-naming session. We've got a fish coming right on the heels of a water bearer and a sea goat. Were they fishing when they came up with these last three? We hope so, because then this Primus song we've selected is all the more relevant.