We here at the Houston Press want to offer you our support and assistance during this, your time of post-divorce adjustment. You've been putting up a brave front, dating busty tarts and launching a national tour to coincide with your latest CD, but we know that's all just a mask to hide your true, heartbroken feelings of abandonment and despair.
To help raise your spirits, we've come up with a list of the top ten reasons you're better off without your ex-wife What's Her Name. Don't take this the wrong way, we like your ex-wife (when was her last hit single? 2004?), it's just that we like you better.
So, next time you're sitting all alone in your dressing room, Nick-Nick, just whip this out (the list, not your privates; get your mind out the gutter, boy!), and you'll be sure to cheer up (of course, whipping out your privates might cheer you up too, but with the list, you don't have to wash your hands afterwards). Enjoy!
Reason 10. You'll never again have to explain why your sister-in-law tried to lip-sync on Saturday Night Live (somebody explain the "live" part to that girl, please!).
Reason 9. Kissing will no longer require coordinating a film crew, two publicity reps and hair and makeup personnel.
Reason 8. The burp factor in your house will go down by 350 percent. (Dude, what were you feeding that girl?)
Reason 7. You don't have to worry if trying to get your wife to clean out her closet will make for good television.
Reason 6. You are no longer, in any way, related to any Simpsons (not Jessica or Ashley, Bart or Homer).
Reason 5. You won't have to comment on your sister-in-law's "I didn't get a nose job, I didn't, I didn't!" nose job.
Reason 4. You'll never have to cringe when your father-in-law publicly, repeatedly and often without provocation refers to your wife's bouncy double Ds.
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Reason 3. Paramedics won't need the jaws of life to pry you out of your wife's cleavage the next time her bouncy double Ds slam shut on your head when you're trying to get a snuggle (not that that ever happened, of course, but it could have -- oh, the horror!).
Reason 2. You don't have to disguise asking your wife for a blow job with a coy "you know what I like" just because the television cameras are on you 24/7. (Now you can do what every other guy does and just holler, "Yo, baby, can you blow me? Hurry up, the commercial's on.")
Reason 1. You'll never, ever have to explain if "chicken of the sea" is tuna or chicken.
Nick, go out and find yourself a nice girl, somebody with no intrusive, lip-synching, nose-jobbing, double Ds-fixated family to hinder your happiness. Heck, at least try to find somebody who can spell your last name without a cheat sheet ("Mrs. Leaky, no, no...Mrs. Leechy, no, that's not it! Daddeeee, what the hell is my last name?") Nick Lachey appears Sunday, October 29, at the Verizon Wireless Theater, 520 Texas Ave. Call 713-230-1600 for more info.