In the most recent instance of things that never needed to happen, ever, Andrew W.K. has joined forces with Playtex -- maker of all things Tampon-tastic -- to bring you "Fresh + Sexy Wipes," an intimate cleansing wipe for your nether regions to help you feel (I'd presume) fresh and sexy before and after you knock the ol' boots.
And no, this is not an ill-timed April Fool's Day joke. This exists in real life. Mr. W.K. is stoked to have taken the crotch-wipe gig, too.
"Whether you just finished rocking a packed club or have an intimate encounter after a busy day, this product will make couples feel brand new," he wrote in a statement. "Fresh + Sexy Wipes were specially designed to help couples feel confidently clean, before and after they engage in sexual activity!"
Playtex has also released a statement about this pairing of W.K. with its kooka-cleaners, stating, "This exciting new product required the help of someone who could embody the brand's playful yet bold campaign; someone who could party hard, but still be clean when it counted. Andrew W.K. is that someone and we are thrilled to have him on board with us."
"Clean when it counted" is not exactly the catch-phrase I'd use to describe W.K., but I've admittedly never had to test that theory, so I'll give both Playtex and W.K. the benefit of the doubt on that one and assume that they know more than I do about his groin situation.
And because Andrew W.K. and his infamous bloody nose just scream "do me," he's schlepping these unisex sex napkins in conjunction with an "Andrew W.K. Sensory Kit," which promises to "dramatically hit all five of the recipients' senses, from the packaging to the content inside."
Unfortunately, nowhere in the promise of "dramatically hitting all of my five senses" does it guarantee that it is a pleasant beating. I think I'll pass.
So not only can you wet-nap your balls with a summer-fresh baby wipe courtesy of Mr. W.K., but you can also use products that he's has collaborated on to "get wet." Brings a whole new meaning to his album, I Get Wet, doesn't it? (I totally just gagged a lil' bit.)
Andrew W.K. also threw himself a little Playtex Fresh + Sexy shindig at SXSW, where attendees shared stories of when they wished they'd had these Playtex wipes handy. I'm not sad that I missed it -- stinky genital tales are not on my bucket list at the moment.
So, to summarize: Playtex ditched its whole "chick wearing willowy clothes running on a beach" idea to switch shit up with a guy who is famous for his bloody nose, helping you party 'til you puke, and having his music on tasteful art pieces like Jackass: The Movie and the Girls Gone Wild Music Volume I soundtrack.
Believe it or not, it makes perfect sense to me. I mean, Andrew W.K. is definitely the type of guy who would produce the urge to wet-nap the hell out of your post-coital crotch.
And at least he's suggesting that men also use these junk-disinfecting towelettes. Terrence Howard could learn a thing or two from Andrew on being politically correct about crotch-wipes, no?
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So now when you've got less-than-fresh lady-bits (or man-bits -- whichever you're packing), just know that Andrew W.K.'s got the solution to your woes. Oh, and you can blame Playtex for the mental picture of Andrew W.K. baby-wiping his balls. It's forever ingrained in my brain too.