Ask Willie D: Hanging Onto Photos of My Exes; Rich Girl, No Man
Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
Photo courtesy of Peter Beste
HANGING ON TO PHOTOS OF MY EXES
Dear Willie D:
I have several pictures of me with old boyfriends dating all the way back to my freshman year in high school. I haven't seen any of my exes in years, but that hasn't stopped my boyfriend of the past two years from being jealous.
He wants me to destroy the photos but I refuse to. Naturally, this has caused dissention in our relationship. I feel like the pictures are a part of my history and throwing them away would be like throwing a part of myself away. Am I wrong for wanting to hold on to old memories, or is my boyfriend being childish and overreacting?
A lot of people keep photos of their exes because they're unsure if their new relationship will last. Healthy relationships are full of compromises.
Whether you're wrong or he's being childish and overreacting, at this point it doesn't matter. Something has to give. If you're not going to destroy them, why don't you take the pictures over to your parents' house or store them at a sibling or friend's place for safekeeping?
It's human nature to want to hold onto pleasant memories. But the best memories are saved in your heart not in a photo album.
WASTING MY TIME?
Dear Willie D:
I have been dealing with my lady for a year now. We have been taking things slow, starting off as friends since she went through a bad breakup with her ex-fiancé. Her healing process has been very difficult on me as far as dealing with her emotions. It's almost like I'm getting punished for past mistakes that other men made.
She says she loves me but she's burnt out on relationships. She wants me to be patient, but I don't know if she will ever heal from her pain. I've been taking care of her since she lost her job, and no matter how much I'm there, it's still the same. I feel like I'm being played and wasting my time. Am I?
You would have done yourself a big favor by not getting into a relationship with someone who is fresh out of a relationship. She's still nursing her wound. By dating you before she had a chance to fully recover from her last relationship, she didn't give the wound time to heal.
Bishop Ronald Hopes of Inner Peace Cathedral told me, "Sometimes people will tell us they ain't no good for us, but we're still drawn to them."
When she told you in no uncertain terms she was burnt out on relationships, you should have called Tyrone and got the hell on right then and there. Since you didn't, that means your love for her is greater than the painful emotions imposed against you.
Your situation reminds me of the character Ace in the movie Casino, played by Robert DeNiro. In the movie Ace falls in love with and marries a hustler named Ginger, who is an emotional wreck still in love with her ex. My hunch is that because she doesn't have closure, at the moment, she's incapable of being of sound mind with anybody.
You didn't mention anything that warrants deceit, so I don't think she's playing you. But only catching her on the phone in the middle of the night plotting to kill you or finding out she gave your hard-earned money to her junkie ex-boyfriend will tell if you're wasting your time.
As hard as Ace tried, he never could get Ginger to envision sitting with him on the porch in those two rocking chairs.
RICH GIRL, NO MAN
Dear Willie D: I am a successful, single businesswoman with a college degree. I don't have a problem meeting men; my problem is keeping one. In the first few months of dating things are wonderful and then poof; they're gone. I think most men are intimidated by a woman who has her own money. I don't understand it. I'm smart, attractive and independent. Isn't that what men want?
Dear Willie D:
I am a successful, single businesswoman with a college degree. I don't have a problem meeting men; my problem is keeping one. In the first few months of dating things are wonderful and then poof; they're gone.
I think most men are intimidated by a woman who has her own money. I don't understand it. I'm smart, attractive and independent. Isn't that what men want?
First of all, there is no such thing as an independent woman who is in a relationship. The very definition of independent is to be self-reliant or not requiring or relying on others. Would you want a man who walked around acting as if he didn't need you?
There are some men who are intimidated by women with money, but too often women use the independent spin as an excuse. The reason most women with money can't keep a man is for the same reason most men with can't keep a woman; they feel entitled to do whatever they want in the relationship without regard for the other person's feelings.
A few weeks back, I had a conversation with The First Lady of Love, R&B/soul great Betty Wright. In regards to an independent woman, Wright said, "She exists. But she's smart enough not to wave it in her man's face."
Could it be you're doing too much waving?
SEXUALLY ABUSED BY DAD'S FRIEND
Dear Willie D:
I pray that you answer my letter, as I am a huge fan of yours and I know you will give me good advice. I am 15 years old and my dad's best friend molested me over a year ago. I have a close relationship with my dad and I know he would believe me, but I'm afraid to say something for fear he might kill his friend and end up in jail. I can't tell my mom because she will probably go straight to my dad with the information.
I cry every night because I don't trust people as I once did and I feel dirty like I did something wrong. The worst part is my dad's friend still comes around and I have to look at him each time and put on a proper face knowing what he did to me. Please help me decide what to do.
Why should you feel dirty? He is the one contaminated! You didn't break the law. You didn't sexually assault a 14-year-old girl, steal her innocence, leave her isolated with shame and betray a best friend's trust. He did that. Hold your head up, stand tall and face that rapist coward.
Any dude who would molest or rap a female is subhuman and doesn't deserve to live amongst the civilized. It's time for men and boys to stand up and speak out against sexual abuse.
You have to expose him. If you think your dad will do something that could get him thrown in jail and you think your mom will share the information with him, it's best that you discuss it with a responsible adult like your teacher or school counselor and let them notify law enforcement. It's a tough thing to do, but your dad deserves to know what kind of friend he has.
Each time a victim of a sexual assault allows her assailant to go unpunished, the assailant interprets that to mean, "It's okay what you did to me and you can do it again if you want to, I won't tell."
Understandably, you are depressed, so when you feel strong enough to make the call please speak with professionals like the people at National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The number is 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK. You don't have to be "ready to die or commit suicide" in order for them to talk to you and they will stay on the phone as long as you want them to.
The Rape Crisis Center is another good source of support. Their contact is 1-210-349-7273 or you can reach them online at rapecrisis.com.
I know you're barely standing, but if you surround yourself with supportive relatives and friends and take it one day at a time, you will regain the strength to not only walk again but also fly.
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