Ask Willie D: Trying to Be a Good Stepmother; Undercover Freak
Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
TRYING TO BE A GOOD STEPMOTHER
I wanted to know your thoughts on how I should deal with my stepdaughter. The problem is the mother of the child; my husband's ex-girlfriend frequently keeps up unnecessary drama. An example of that is when she went off on my husband for being five minutes late dropping the little girl off to her.
Another example is when she said my son physically abused her daughter so that the court would take away my husband's rights to visitation, but she wanted my husband to still pay child support. That issue affected our marriage deeply.
When the accusations were made, we got a lawyer and filed for visitation rights. The outcome was that we proved to the court the accusations were false. As a result, my husband received standard visitation.
My question is, how should I treat my stepchild, who is now showing some of the same characteristics of her mother, and how do I go about loving her as my own when there are so many things getting in the way of my love for her?
Your husband needs to put his big-boy pants on and check his daughter and her ignorant mother. First he needs to lay down the law with some house rules for his daughter, and enforce consequences if she doesn't comply.
Then he needs to put the child's mother on notice that her days of bringing chaos into his home are over. But threats alone will not get it; he'll have to have firm follow-through. If that means giving her a taste of her own medicine by putting the police and the courts in her life, so be it.
Loving someone else's child as you would your own can be accomplished if you train your mind to view the child like you were responsible for her conception. If your biological child robbed a bank or got strung out on drugs, you wouldn't disown her or throw in the towel.
Instead, you would fight for her and use every resource at your disposal to support and get her on the right track. Although your situation may be complicated, the answer isn't. Unconditional love is the only way to love your stepchild as your own.
SHE WON'T LET ME SEE MY SON
My ex-wife won't let me see my two-year-old son. I haven't been around him in almost a year. I offered to pay child support but she said she doesn't want anything from me. When we were married I took care of her and him.
I never thought she would turn on me like this. Right now I'm just waiting; hoping she'll come around and allow me to be a part of his life. I don't know what else to do. Please help.
You don't need to pay child support to have visitation rights. But I salute you for wanting to; a lot of men would run. You don't need your ex-wife's permission to pay child support; you can file on yourself.
All you have to do is go to your local county courthouse to file the proper documents, and a judge will grant you visitation rights; you could even go after full custody. In any event, she will be court-ordered -- forced -- to comply.
The longer you wait, the more time goes by and the older your boy gets. The older he gets, the more he gets used to not having you around and the more you get used to not being around. Before you know it, he will be five, ten, 15, then grown and gone. And he's not going to appreciate the fact that you didn't do more to fight for him.
How miserable, trifling and selfish must anyone be who will intentionally deny a child the right to have a relationship with his or her "loving" parent? That being said, if you don't participate in raising your child, no matter how low-down his mother may be, if you wait too long, the only memory he'll have is that she was there and you weren't.
MY HUSBAND'S DUMB PRIDE
I am writing you this letter to get a male's perspective on pride in men. My issue is that my husband has too much pride at times. For example, we were at the store with our two kids getting some gas. When he tried to start the car, it wouldn't because the battery was drained. So I told him to ask someone for help.
He hesitated, then asked some guy to jump our car off, but the guy said he did not have time. I told my husband to ask someone else and he acted like he didn't want to. At that point I got mad because I was thinking, "We have our kids in the car and he does not want to do what it takes to get the car started so we can get home."
I got out of the car and asked another guy would he help us, and he said yes. I was relieved. We finally got the car started and went home. My question is, what is it with men and their dumb pride?
Your husband is a new fool. His willingness to remain stranded at a store with his wife and kids simply because he was too big-headed to ask for help wasn't pride; it was stupidity.
Willie D, I am a big freak in bed, but my fiancé doesn't have a clue. When we first met, he had a lot to say about girls who are uninhibited; knowing this, I suppressed my desires so that I wouldn't scare him off. My plan was to conceal my emotions, hoping that once he fell in love with me he would do anything to please me. He doesn't like receiving, but he has performed oral sex on me a few times -- after much coaxing. The problem is whenever he does, he acts like he's at a school taste-testing event trying a new food that grosses him out. The way he freaks out about going down on me, I don't even know if I could ever gather the courage to tell him that I like doing it in public places or that one of my biggest fantasies is for him to take me from behind, choke me and tell me his friends want some, too. Bizarre sex is a big part of a relationship to me, and I'm not getting what I need. Although he is a good provider and a nice guy otherwise, I'm at a point where I don't know if he is the man for me to spend the rest of my life with. Please tell me what to do.
I am a big freak in bed, but my fiancé doesn't have a clue. When we first met, he had a lot to say about girls who are uninhibited; knowing this, I suppressed my desires so that I wouldn't scare him off. My plan was to conceal my emotions, hoping that once he fell in love with me he would do anything to please me.
He doesn't like receiving, but he has performed oral sex on me a few times -- after much coaxing. The problem is whenever he does, he acts like he's at a school taste-testing event trying a new food that grosses him out.
The way he freaks out about going down on me, I don't even know if I could ever gather the courage to tell him that I like doing it in public places or that one of my biggest fantasies is for him to take me from behind, choke me and tell me his friends want some, too.
Bizarre sex is a big part of a relationship to me, and I'm not getting what I need. Although he is a good provider and a nice guy otherwise, I'm at a point where I don't know if he is the man for me to spend the rest of my life with. Please tell me what to do.
Here's what you do: Give your fiancé subtle hints that you want to get wild by mentioning things you read somewhere or saw on TV. You could even make up something about how your friend at work said she enjoyed it when her husband did this or that to her just to see what his reaction would be. If you don't get the response you want, switch gears.
The next time you and your fiancé go out on the town, whether you start out with dinner or a concert, make sure you end up at a bar not far from home -- you don't want the drinks to wear off on a long drive home.
Have a drink or two with your guy, then get him on the dance floor for some bumping and grinding, which will get the sexual energy flowing. Be sure to do plenty of body-language flirting; this will draw attention from other guys and make your fiancé feel like a king because he has something the other men want but can't have.
Before you leave the bar, make sure he has another drink or two but don't get him sloppy drunk; you want him to be able to perform. You can continue to drink also as long as you're not driving. Taking a cab or, if feasible, renting limousine service would be a good option.
As soon as it's obvious that he has a good buzz, make your exit and head home. Continue your flirting in the car.
The second you walk into the house, strip off your clothes and get busy. The liquor in his system should relax his defense mechanisms, so whatever freaky things you want him to say and do to you or vice versa, now is the time.
But don't spook him and unload your entire freak arsenal on him all at once; take it slow. If all goes well and the freak in you is reciprocated, you're on your way. On the other hand, if it backfires and he gets turned off, you could always be like Jamie Foxx and "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol."
PREVIOUSLY ON ASK WILLIE D
Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back next Thursday for more of his best answers.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.