Beasting Off the Riesling: The Most Ridiculous Lyrics of 2009, Part 1
The lowest common denominator having been achieved in 2005 with the release of the Black Eyed Peas' Monkey Business , popular musicians have had to work extra hard in recent years to find new and inventive ways to be inane. They found great success in 2009, with artists as varied as Lady Gaga, Bruce Springsteen and Royce da 5'9" making the nation collectively dumber. Here are the Top 10 most unintentionally hilarious song lyrics of the year. 10. Bruce Springsteen, "Queen of the Supermarket" "I'm in love with the queen of the supermarket/ As the evening sky turns blue/ A dream awaits in aisle number two" It was shaping up as a good year for Bruce Springsteen when the most cringe-worthy thing he'd done was stick his crotch in the camera at the Super Bowl halftime show. But then came "Queen of the Supermarket," which tells the story of a horny shopper having the most pathetic mid-life crisis imaginable. To fully appreciate it, watch this video of folks shopping for produce as you contemplate transcendent poetry like "Though her company cap covers her hair/ Nothing can hide the beauty waiting there."
9. Royce da 5'9," "New Money" "When I was born my momma pussy had the new car smell" This tidbit of information must have been relayed to Royce by whom, the attending physician? Momma should probably have that checked out.
8. Mariah Carey, "Obsessed" "Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex/ Seein' right through you like you're bathin' in Windex" Take that, Eminem! Talk trash about Mariah and her husband Nick Cannon, and she's just going to zing you right back! You know, by talking about how transparent you are, how it's almost like you're sitting in a tub full of window-washer fluid. Invisible, practically. You'd just better hope she doesn't accuse you of being up in her George Foreman, because then you'll be in trouble.
7. Kanye West, "Run This Town" "I'm beasting, off the Riesling/ And my nigga just made it out the precinct" Kanye pulls out all the tough-guy stops in an attempt to impress his mentor Jay-Z on "Run This Town," even donning a bandanna over his mouth for the video's battle royal. He's aggressive, he's angry, he's beasting off the Riesling? What, there was no Zima?
6. Paul Wall, "Got to Get It" "I learned from life's lessons/ If you keep on pressin'/ You'll eventually end up on top/ Like salad dressing" Salad dressing starts off on top, yes, but then usually pools at the bottom in a creamy white puddle of derivative lyrics and preposterous similes. Wait, what were we talking about?
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