Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, in a three-way tag-team cage match, it's Houston's Battle of the Sexual-Identity Stereotypes! That's right, folks, starting Saturday, it's an all-out war of the prefixes! Jägermeister will be spilt, flannel torn and glitter scattered in the breeze!
Epithets will be spewed and liberals will be insulted. The rock and roll gauntlet has been thrown down, and the only question that remains is which camp (ahem) will pick it back up when the dust settles.
In the shadowy left-hand crevice of our triangular death cage, prepared to pound their competitors into submission, lurk Backdoor Slam and Oklahomos. Hailing of course from the "small but perfectly formed Isle of Man," Backdoor Slam come prepared to invoke the spirit of Jimi Hendrix. Ready to tag in and get down, Oklahomos and Buttman, their wielder of the "mean hairy bagpipe," provide backup and bondage gear.
In the far-right corner stand the Machos and Da Bears. With the religious fervor of a pain-worshipping cult, the Machos fight as one. The ultimate manifestation of the masculine paradigm, this band's motto offers some concession to those who fall victim to their manly might: "Pain is weakness leaving the body." Meanwhile, Da Bears warn the populace to "lock up your daughters" while singing about weapons and meat, but their over-the-top swagger may prove this tag-team's undoing; all this hairy-chested hypermasculinity could be their way of hiding in the closet.
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Those Amazonian ululations emanating from the Venusian delta of the tricornered cage are from diminutive, androgynous Marissa, leader of Screaming Females. Commanding her eunuch army like a modern-day Hippolyte, guitar-belt slung across her chest, Marissa has ripped the heart out of many a Hercules with her sonic spears. Waiting in the wings and ready for action, Ladyheat is a "full-force, fist-fuck, rock and roll monster" ready to penetrate the aural orifice of any who should stand opposed, in all sorts of unorthodox ways, using whatever implements are at hand.
Political correctness be damned, this male-vs.-female, kinky-vs.-vanilla battle for rock supremacy is about to take Houston by storm. Cover your eyes, ears and assholes. After this, nothing will ever be the same. Battle lines have been drawn, allegiances made, events scheduled, guest referees booked: Eminem and Joan Jett impersonators and the reanimated corpse of Freddie Mercury.
Who will prevail?
The Machos play Saturday, August 11, at Warehouse Live (studio), 813 St. Emanuel, 713-225-LIVE. Oklahomos: Saturday at Rudyard's, 2010 Waugh, 713-521-0521. Da Bears: Monday, August 13, at Super Happy Fun Land, 2610 Ashland, 713-880-2100. Ladyheat: Tuesday, August 14, at Super Happy Fun Land. Screaming Females: Wednesday, August 15, at Super Happy Fun Land. Back Door Slam: Wednesday at Warehouse Live (studio).