Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow night a battle will be waged for souls of Houston music fans. The stages have been set. The combatants are ready. In this corner, weighing approximately 9 lbs and sporting the haircut heard round the world, Justin Bieber!
And in this corner, weighing in at the sum total weight of all the endangered fruit in the world, Housotn's own saviors of tropical rock, Muhammadali!
Cue the entrance music, this is the Cage Match!
Rocks Off: We're here with Muhammadali guitarist, vocalist and expectant father Little John Zambrano. Mr. Zambrano, can you please tell the fans of Houston how you will slap the spleen out of Mr. Bieber on Saturday.
Little John Zambrano: Muhammadali says, "Everything is permitted! Do what you will is the only law!
RO: So you plan to use hardcore, no-holds-barred tactics to beat down what is essentially a 14-year-old girl?
LJZ: Muhammadali says, "Polvo's celebrate the new dark age with us!"
RO: ...All righty, then. Mr. Bieber? How do you feel about the upcoming armeggedon of amplified andante and allegretto?
Justin Bieber (from "Baby"): And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh. Like baby, baby, baby, no. Like baby, baby, baby, oh.
RO: Mr. Bieber...
JB: ... like baby, baby, baby, oh. Like baby, baby, baby, no. Like baby, baby, baby, oh.
RO: Please stop that.
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JB. I'm going down, down, down, down.
RO: Damn right, right, right, right.
Muhammadali plays Saturday November 6 at Fitzgerald's. Justin Bieber plays the same night at the Toyota Center. The show is sold out.
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.