Ladies and gentlemen, tonight a war will be waged in Houston for your very musical souls. In this corner, wearing glitter, last night's makeup, and the sign of the almighty dollar, that Autotuned ingénue, Kesha.
And in this corner, four fell fiends from the farthest reaches of Angryrockdor, our own Thunderkunt!
Cue the entrance music, this is the Cage Match!
Rocks Off: Members of Thunderkunt, Kesha is playing a sold-out concert tonight here in Houston, but there still yet be time for you to win over the hearts and minds of Houstonians before they are led before the altar to bleed. We know she's listening. What do you have to say to her?
Dick Beeman (Drummer): "For only $150, you can be one of the lucky thousands to sit 30 rows back and watch a chubby, auto-tuned white girl dance around, pretending to sing songs she didn't write. Do you know how hard glitter is to get off you? That shit sucks!
Or you could get up close and personal with some real musicians, playing real instruments, for free. And don't let the "limited edition" plastic cup fool you. Just because a beer costs $10 doesn't mean it gets you drunk quicker. You do the math.
Jeri Huston (Singer): I remember in high school, people telling you what was cool, or what to do, and this or that to say. Booorrring! They make her look like she has attitude. We don't need a record label to dress us up. To loosely quote the Misfits, "We got some motherfuckin' attitude, and you can believe what we say to you."
Tik Tok, Kesha, your time is up. Thunderkunt is blowin' on through. Welcome to Texas kiddo.
Davie Graves (Guitar): I personally don't see the point in going out to see this manufactured brat. I love that some of her influences are some of ours too except you can't hear it at all in her music. The Damned? Velvet Underground? Are you kidding me? Yeah, so she likes all the same "cool" music as all the other hip kids! Blow me! If you want to see a real rock-n-roll show you know where to be. Keep music pure.
Robert McCarthy (Bass): Kesha. The name symbolizes everything; it's all about the money. Not her "talent," not her "looks," not her credibility. I mean, sure, she isn't talented like most of the 21st-century pop stars, but even Britney Spears still manages to look better than this bitch, and Spears has been dragged heels first through the trenches.
Have you seen Kesha in a bathing suit? Gouge out your eyeballs. You can't auto-tune ugliness. Even if every person in Texas was at her show and not ours, we can sleep soundly knowing we're better looking than she'll ever be. Besides, who the in their right mind brushes their teeth with Jack Daniels?
RO: Those are some strong words, Thunderkunt. Wait, what's that smell?
RO: Kesha, Thunderkunt has thrown down the gauntlet, and made a pretty good case for why every Houstonian should spend their evening as far away from you as possible. What do you have to say for yourself?
Kesha (from "Friday Night Bitch Fight"): You can go to hell, girl. You better watch yourself. I'm feelin' feisty, alright. Friday night bitch fight.
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RO: Sorry, our money is on Jeri in any kind of catfight. She looks like she menstruates power tools. You should probably start running.